Act II

SCENE I.—Sir Giles's House.

Enter Sir Giles Overreach and Marall.

Sir G. He's gone, I warrant thee; this commission crush'd him.

Mar. Your worship has the way on't, and ne'er miss
To squeeze these unthrifts into air; and yet
The chap-fallen justice did his part, returning
For your advantage the certificate,
Against his conscience and his knowledge too;
(With your good favour) to the utter ruin
Of the poor farmer.

Sir G. 'Twas for these good ends
I made him a justice. He, that bribes his belly,
Is certain to command his soul.

Mar. I wonder.
Why, your worship having
The power to put this thin-gut in commission,
You are not in't yourself.

Sir G. Thou art a fool:
In being out of office, I am out of danger;
Where, if I were a justice, besides the trouble,
I might, or out of wilfulness, or error,
Run myself finely into a præmunire:
And so become a prey to the informer.
No, I'll have none of't: 'tis enough I keep
Greedy at my devotion: so he serve
My purposes, let him hang, or damn, I care not;
Friendship is but a word.

Mar. You are all wisdom.

Sir G. I would be worldly wise; for the other wisdom,
That does prescribe us a well-govern'd life,
And to do right to others, as ourselves,
I value not an atom.

Mar. What course take you,
(With your good patience) to hedge in the manor
Of your neighbour, Mr. Frugal? As 'tis said,
He will not sell, nor borrow, nor exchange;
And his land lying in the midst of your many lordships,
Is a foul blemish.

Sir. G. I have thought on't, Marall;
And it shall take. I must have all men sellers,
And I the only purchaser.

Mar. 'Tis most fit, sir.

Sir G. I'll, therefore, buy some cottage near his manor;
Which done, I'll make my men break ope' his fences,
Ride o'er his standing corn, and in the night
Set fire to his barns, or break his cattle's legs.
These trespasses draw on suits, and suits, expenses;
Which I can spare, but will soon beggar him.
When I have hurried him thus, two or three years,
Though he was sue forma pauperis, in spite
Of all his thrift and care, he'll grow behind hand.

Mar. The best I ever heard! I could adore you!

Sir G. Then, with the favour of my man of law,
I will pretend some title; want will force him
To put it to arbitrement; then, if he sell
For half the value, he shall have ready money,
And I possess the land.

Mar. Wellborn was apt to sell, and needed not
These fine arts, sir, to hook him in.

Sir G. Well thought on.
This varlet, Wellborn, lives too long, to upbraid me
With my close cheat put upon him. Will nor cold
Nor hunger kill him?

Mar. I know not what to think on't.
I have us'd all means; and the last night I caus'd
His host, the tapster, to turn him out of doors;
And have been since with all your friends and tenants,
And on the forfeit of your favour, charg'd them,
Tho' a crust of mouldy bread would keep him from starving,
Yet they should not relieve him.

Sir G. That was something, Marall, but thou must go farther;
And suddenly, Marall.

Mar. Where, and when you please, sir.

Sir G. I would have thee seek him out; and, if thou canst,
Persuade him, that 'tis better steal, than beg;
Then, if I prove he has but robb'd a henroost,
Not all the world shall save him from the gallows.
Do anything to work him to despair,
And 'tis thy masterpiece.

Mar. I will do my best, sir.

Sir G. I am now on my main work, with the Lord Lovell;
The gallant-minded, popular Lord Lovell,
The minion of the people's love. I hear
He's come into the country; and my aims are
To insinuate myself into his knowledge,
And then invite him to my house.

Mar. I have you.
This points at my young mistress.

Sir G. She must part with
That humble title, and write honourable;
Right honourable, Marall; my right honourable daughter;
If all I have, or e'er shall get, will do it.
I will have her well attended; there are ladies
Of errant knights decay'd, and brought so low,
That, for cast clothes, and meat, will gladly serve her.
And 'tis my glory, though I come from the city,
To have their issue, whom I have undone,
To kneel to mine, as bond slaves.

Mar. 'Tis fit state, sir.

Sir G. And, therefore, I'll not have a chambermaid
That ties her shoes, or any meaner office,
But such, whose fathers were right worshipful.
'Tis a rich man's pride! there having ever been
More than a feud, a strange antipathy,
Between us, and true gentry.

Enter Wellborn.

Mar. See! who's here, sir?

Sir G. Hence, monster! prodigy!

Wellb. Call me what you will, I am your nephew, sir.

Sir G. Avoid my sight! thy breath's infectious, rogue!
I shun thee as a leprosy, or the plague.
Come hither, Marall, this is the time to work him.

Mar. I warrant you, sir.

[Exit Sir Giles Overreach.

Wellb. By this light, I think he's mad.

Mar. Mad! had you took compassion on yourself,
You long since had been mad.

Wellb. You have took a course,
Between you and my venerable uncle,
To make me so.

Mar. The more pale-spirited you,
That would not be instructed. I swear deeply.

Wellb. By what?

Mar. By my religion.

Wellb. Thy religion!
The devil's creed: but what would you have done?

Mar. Before, like you, I had outliv'd my fortunes,
A withe had serv'd my turn to hang myself.
I am zealous in your cause: 'pray you, hang yourself;
And presently, as you love your credit.

Wellb. I thank you.

Mar. Will you stay till you die in a ditch?
Or, if you dare not do the fate yourself,
But that you'll put the state to charge and trouble,
Is there no purse to be cut? house to be broken?
Or market-woman, with eggs, that you may murder,
And so despatch the business?

Wellb. Here's variety,
I must confess; but I'll accept of none
Of all your gentle offers, I assure you.

Mar. If you like not hanging, drown yourself; take some course
For your reputation.

Wellb. 'Twill not do, dear tempter,
With all the rhetoric the fiend hath taught you.
I am as far as thou art from despair.
Nay, I have confidence, which is more than hope,
To live, and suddenly, better than ever.

Mar. Ha! ha! these castles you build in the air
Will not persuade me, or to give, or lend
A token to you.

Wellb. I'll be more kind to thee.
Come, thou shalt dine with me.

Mar. With you?

Wellb. Nay, more, dine gratis.

Mar. Under what hedge, I pray you? or, at whose cost?
Are they padders, or gipsies, that are your consorts?

Wellb. Thou art incredulous; but thou shalt dine,
Not alone at her house, but with a gallant lady;
With me, and with a lady.

Mar. Lady! what lady?
With the lady of the lake, or queen of fairies?
For I know it must be an enchanted dinner.

Wellb. With the Lady Allworth, knave.

Mar. Nay, now there's hope
Thy brain is crack'd.

Wellb. Mark there, with what respect
I am entertain'd.

Mar. With choice, no doubt, of dog-whips.
Why, dost thou ever hope to pass her porter?

Wellb. 'Tis not far off, go with me: trust thine own eyes.

Mar. Troth, in my hope, or my assurance, rather,
To see thee curvet, and mount like a dog in a blanket,
If ever thou presume to pass her threshold,
I will endure thy company.

Wellb. Come along. [Exeunt.

SCENE II.—A Hall in Lady Allworth's House.

Enter Allworth, Order, Amble, and Watchall.

Allw. Your courtesies overwhelm me: I much grieve
To part from this house, and yet, I find comfort;
My attendance on my honourable lord,
Whose resolution holds to visit my lady,
Will speedily bring me back.

[Knocking at the Gate. Marall and Wellborn within.

Mar. Dar'st thou venture farther?

Wellb. Yes, yes, and knock again.

Order. 'Tis he; disperse; 'tis Mr. Wellborn.

Fur. I know my cue, ne'er doubt me.

[Exeunt Amble and Furnice.

Enter Marall and Wellborn.

Order. You were long since expected.
Most welcome, sir.

Wellb. Say so much
To my friend, I pray you.

Order. For your sake, I will, sir. [Exit.

Mar. For his sake!

Wellb. Mum! this is nothing.

Mar. More than ever
I would have believed, though I had found it in my primer.

Allw. When I have given you reasons for my late harshness,
You'll pardon, and excuse me: for, believe me;
Tho' now I part abruptly in my service,
I will deserve it.

Mar. Service! with a vengeance!

Wellb. I am satisfied: farewell, Tom.

Allw. All joy stay with you.

[Exit Allworth.

Enter Amble.

Amble. You are happily encounter'd: I never yet
Presented one so welcome, as I know
You will be to my lady.

Mar. This is some vision;
Or, sure, these men are mad, to worship a dung-hill;
It cannot be a truth.

Wellb. Be still a pagan,
An unbelieving infidel; be so, miscreant,
And meditate on blankets, and on dog-whips.

Enter Furnace.

Fur. I am glad you are come; until I know your pleasure,
I knew not how to serve up my lady's dinner.

Mar. His pleasure! is it possible? [Aside.

Wellb. What's thy will?

Fur. Marry, sir, I have some growse and turkey chicken,
Some rails and quails; and my lady will'd me to ask you,
What kind of sauces best affect your palate,
That I may use my utmost skill to please it.

Mar. The devil's enter'd this cook: sauce for his palate!
That on my knowledge, for a most this twelve-month,
Durst wish but cheese-parings, and brown bread on Sundays.

Wellb. That way I like them best.

Fur. It shall be done, sir. [Exit Furnace.

Wellb. What think you of the hedge we shall dine under?
Shall we feed gratis?

Mar. I know not what to think:
Pray you, make me not mad.

Enter Order.

Order. This place becomes you not:
'Pray you, walk sir, to the dining room.

Wellb. I am well here,
Till her ladyship quits her chamber.

Mar. Well here, say you!
'Tis a rare change! but yesterday, you thought
Yourself well in a barn, wrapp'd up in pease-straw.

Enter Woman and Chambermaid.

Wom. O sir, you are wish'd for.

Chamb. My lady dreamt, sir, of you.

Wom. And the first command she gave
After she rose, was to give her notice
When you approached here.

Order. Sir, my lady.

Exit.

Enter Lady Allworth.—Salutes him.

Lady A. I come to meet you, and languished till I saw you.
This first kiss for form: I allow a second,
As token of my friendship.

Mar. Heaven bless me!

Wellb. I am wholly yours; yet, madam, if you please
To grace this gentleman with a salute——

Mar. Salute me at his bidding!

Wellb. I shall receive it
As a most high favour. [To Marall.

Lady A. Sir, your friends are welcome to me.

Wellb. Run backward from a lady! and such a lady!

Mar. To kiss her foot, is to poor me, a favour
I am unworthy of. [Offers to kiss her Foot.

Lady A. Nay, pray you rise;
And since you are so humble, I'll exalt you:
You shall dine with me to-day at mine own table.

Mar. Your ladyship's table! I am not good enough
To sit at your steward's.

Lady A. You are too modest:
I will not be denied.

Enter Order.

Order. Dinner is ready for your ladyship.

Lady A. Your arm, Mr. Wellborn:
Nay, keep us company.

Mar. I was never so grac'd. Mercy on me!

[Exeunt Wellborn, Lady Allworth, Amble, and Marall.

Enter Furnace.

Order. So, we have play'd our parts, and are come off well.
But if I know the mystery, why my lady
Consented to it, or why Mr. Wellborn
Desir'd it, may I perish!

Fur. 'Would I had
The roasting of his heart, that cheated him,
And forces the poor gentleman to these shifts!
Of all the griping and extorting tyrants
I ever heard or read of, I never met
A match to Sir Giles Overreach.

Watch. What will you take
To tell him so, fellow Furnace?

Fur. Just as much
As my throat is worth, for that would be the price on't.
To have a usurer that starves himself,
And wears a cloak of one and twenty years
On a suit of fourteen groats, bought of the hangman,
To grow rich, is too common:
But this Sir Giles feeds high, keeps many servants,
Who must at his command do any outrage;
Rich in his habit; vast in his expenses;
Yet he to admiration still increases
In wealth and lordships.

Order. He frights men out of their estates,
And breaks through all law-nets, made to curb ill men,
As they were cobwebs. No man dares reprove him.
Such a spirit to dare, and power to do, were never
Lodg'd so unluckily.

Enter Amble.

Amble. Ha! ha! I shall burst.

Order. Contain thyself, man.

Fur. Or make us partakers
Of your sudden mirth.

Amble. Ha! ha! my lady has got
Such a guest at her table, this term-driver, Marall,
This snip of an attorney.

Fur. What of him, man?

Amble. The knave stinks, and feeds so slovenly!

Fur. Is this all?

Amble. My lady
Drank to him for fashion's sake, or to please Mr. Wellborn,
As I live, he rises, and takes up a dish,
In which there were some remnants of a boil'd capon,
And pledges her in white broth.
And when I brought him wine,
He leaves his chair, and after a leg or two,
Most humbly thanks my worship.

Order. Rose already!

Amble. I shall be chid.

Enter Lady Allworth, Wellborn, and Marall.

Fur. My lady frowns.

Lady A. You attended us well.
Let me have no more of this: I observ'd your leering.
Sirrah, I'll have you know, whom I think worthy
To sit at my table, be he ne'er so mean,
When I am present, is not your companion.

Order. Nay, she'll preserve what's due to her.

Lady A. You are master
Of your own will. I know so much of manners
As not to inquire your purposes; in a word,
To me you are ever welcome, as to a house
That is your own.

Wellb. Mark that.

Mar. With reverence, sir,
And it like your worship.

Wellb. Trouble yourself no farther,
Dear madam; my heart's full of zeal and service.
However in my language I am sparing.
Come, Mr. Marall.

Mar. I attend your worship.

[Exeunt Wellborn and Marall.

Lady A. I see in your looks you are sorry, and you know me
An easy mistress: be merry! I have forgot all.
Order and Furnace, come with me; I must give you
Farther directions. [Exit.

Order. What you please.

Fur. We are ready. [Exeunt.

SCENE III.—The Country.

Enter Wellborn and Marall.

Wellb. I think I am in a good way.

Mar. Good sir, the best way;
The certain best way.

Wellb. There are casualties
That men are subject to.

Mar. You are above 'em:
As you are already worshipful,
I hope, ere long, you will increase in worship,
And be right worshipful.

Wellb. Pr'thee do not flout me,
What I shall be, I shall be. Is't for your ease,
You keep your hat off.

Mar. Ease, and it like your worship!
I hope Jack Marall shall not live so long,
To prove himself such an unmannerly beast,
Though it hail hazel nuts, as to be covered,
When your worship's present.

Wellb. Is not this a true rogue, [Aside.
That out of mere hope of a future coz'nage
Can turn thus suddenly? 'tis rank already.

Mar. I know your worship's wise, and needs no counsel:
Yet if in my desire to do you service,
I humbly offer my advice (but still
Under correction), I hope I shall not
Incur your high displeasure.

Wellb. No; speak freely.

Mar. Then in my judgment, sir, my simple judgment,
(Still with your worship's favour) I could wish you
A better habit, for this cannot be
But much distasteful to the noble lady
That loves you: I have twenty pounds here,
Which, out of my true love, I presently
Lay down at your worship's feet; 'twill serve to buy you
A riding suit.

Wellb. But Where's the horse?

Mar. My gelding
Is at your service: nay, you shall ride me,
Before your worship shall be put to the trouble
To walk a-foot. Alas! when you are lord
Of this lady's manor (as I know you will be),
You may with the lease of glebe land,
Requite your vassal.

Wellb. I thank thy love; but must make no use of it.
What's twenty pounds?

Mar. 'Tis all that I can make, sir.

Wellb. Dost thou think, though I want clothes, I could not have 'em,
For one word to my lady?

Mar. As I know not that—

Wellb. Come, I'll tell thee a secret, and so leave thee.
I'll not give her the advantage, tho' she be
A gallant-minded lady, after we are married
To hit me in the teeth, and say she was forc'd
To buy my wedding clothes,
Or took me with a plain suit, and an ambling nag,
No, I'll be furnish'd something like myself.
And so farewell; for thy suit touching the glebe land,
When it is mine, 'tis thine.

Mar. I thank your worship. [Exit Wellborn.
How was I cozen'd in the calculation
Of this man's fortune! my master cozen'd too,
Whose pupil I am in the art of undoing men;
For that is our profession. Well, well, Mr. Wellborn,
You are of a sweet nature, and fit again to be cheated:
Which, if the fates please, when you are possess'd
Of the land and lady, you, sans question, shall be.
I'll presently think of the means.

[Walks by, musing.

Enter Sir Giles Overreach.

Sir G. Sirrah, take my horse;
I'll walk to get me an appetite. 'Tis but a mile;
And exercise will keep me from being pursy.
Ha! Marall! is he conjuring? Perhaps
The knave has wrought the prodigal to do
Some outrage on himself, and now he feels
Compunction in his conscience for't: no matter,
So it be done. Marall!

Mar. Sir!

Sir G. How succeed we
In our plot on Wellborn?

Mar. Never better, sir.

Sir G. Has he hang'd, or drown'd himself?

Mar. No sir, he lives,
Lives once more to be made a prey to you:
And greater prey than ever.

Sir G. Art thou in thy wits?
If thou art, reveal this miracle, and briefly.

Mar. A lady, sir, has fall'n in love with him.

Sir G. With him! What lady?

Mar. The rich Lady Allworth.

Sir G. Thou dolt! how darst thou speak this?

Mar. I speak true;
And I do so but once a year: unless
It be to you, sir. We din'd with her ladyship:
I thank his worship.

Sir G. His worship!

Mar. As I live, sir,
I din'd with him, at the great lady's table,
Simple as I stand here; and saw when she kiss'd him;
And, at his request, welcom'd me too.

Sir G. Why, thou rascal,
To tell me these impossibilities:
Dine at her table! and kiss him!
Impudent varlet! Have not I myself,
To whom great countesses' doors have oft flown open,
Ten times attempted, since her husband's death,
In vain to see her, tho' I came—a suitor?
And yet your good solicitorship, and rogue Wellborn,
Were brought into her presence, feasted with her.
But that I know thee a dog that cannot blush,
This most incredible lie would call up one into
Thy cheeks.

Mar. Shall I not trust my eyes, sir?
Or taste? I feel her good cheer in my belly.

Sir G. You shall feel me, if you give not over, sirrah!
Recover your brains again, and be no more gull'd
With a beggar's plot, assisted by the aids
Of serving men; and chambermaids; for, beyond these,
Thou never saw'st a woman; or, I'll quit you
From my employments.

Mar. Will you credit this, yet?
On my confidence of their marriage, I offered Wellborn
(I would give a crown now, I durst say his worship [Aside.
My nag, and twenty pounds.

Sir G. Did you so? [Strikes him down.
Was this the way to work him to despair,
Or rather to cross me?

Mar. Will your worship kill me?

Sir G. No, no; but drive the lying spirit out of you.

Mar. He's gone.

Sir G. I have done, then. Now forgetting
Your late imaginary feast and lady,
Know, my Lord Lovell dines with me tomorrow:
Be careful, not be wanting to receive him;
And bid my daughter's women trim her up,
Tho' they paint her, so she catch the lord, I'll thank 'em.
There's a piece for my late blows.

Mar. I must yet suffer:
But there may be a time— [Aside.

Sir G. Do you grumble?

Mar. O no, sir. [Exeunt.