Act the Fourth

Scene I.

Syrus, alone.

My mind misgives me, my defeat is nigh,

This unexpected incident has driven

My forces into such a narrow pass,

I can not even handsomely retreat

Without some feint, to hinder our old man

From seeing that this wench is Clitipho’s.

As for the money, and the trick I dream’d of,

Those hopes are flown, and I shall hold it triumph,

So I but ’scape a scouring—Cursed fortune,

To have so delicate a morsel snatch’d

Out of my very jaws!—What shall I do?

What new device? for I must change my plan.

—Nothing so difficult, but may be won

By industry.—Suppose, I try it thus. (Thinking.)

—’Twill never do.—Or thus?—No better still.

But thus I think.—No, no.—Yes, excellent!

Courage! I have it.—Good!—Good!—best of all!——

—’Faith, I begin to hope to lay fast hold

Of that same slipp’ry money after all.

Scene II.

Enter Clinia at another part of the stage.

Clin. Henceforward, fate, do with me what thou wilt!

Such is my joy, so full and absolute,

I can not know vexation. From this hour

To you, my father, I resign myself,

Content to be more frugal than you wish!

Syrus (overhearing). ’Tis just as I suppos’d. The girl’s acknowledged;

His raptures speak it so.— (Going up.) I’m overjoyed

That things have happen’d to your wish.

Clin. O Syrus!

Have you then heard it too?

Syrus. Undoubtedly.

Syrus. I heard it? Aye:

I, who was present at the very time!

Clin. Was ever any thing so lucky?

Syrus. Nothing.

Clin. Now, Heav’n so help me, I rejoice at this

On her account much rather than my own,

Her, whom I know worthy the highest honors.

Syrus. No doubt on’t.—But now, Clinia, hold a while!

Give me a moment’s hearing in my turn.

For your friend’s business must be thought of now,

And well secur’d, lest our old gentleman

Suspect about the wench.

Clin. O Jupiter! (In raptures.)

Syrus. Peace! (Impatiently.)

Clin. My Antiphila shall be my wife.

Syrus. And will you interrupt me?

Clin. Oh, my Syrus,

What can I do! I’m overjoy’d. Bear with me.

Syrus. Troth so I do.

Clin. We’re happy, as the Gods.

Syrus. I lose my labor on you.

Clin. Speak; I hear.

Syrus. Aye, but you don’t attend.

Clin. I’m all attention.

Syrus. I say then, Clinia, that your friend’s affairs

Must be attended to, and well secur’d:

For if you now depart abruptly from us,

And leave the wench upon our hands, my master

Will instantly discover she belongs

To Clitipho. But if you take her off,

It will remain, as still it is, a secret.

Clin. But, Syrus, this is flatly opposite

To what I most devoutly wish, my marriage,

For with what face shall I accost my father?

D’ye understand me?

Syrus. Aye.

Clin. What can I say?

What reason can I give him?

Syrus. Tell no lie.

Speak the plain truth.

Clin. How?

Syrus. Every syllable.

Tell him your passion for Antiphila;

Tell him you wish to marry her, and tell him,

Bacchis belongs to Clitipho.

Clin. ’Tis well,

In reason, and may easily be done:

And then besides you’d have me win my father,

To keep it hid from your old gentleman.

Syrus. No; rather to prevail on him, to go

And tell him the whole truth immediately.

Clin. How? are you mad? or drunk? You’ll be the ruin

Of Clitipho: for how can he be safe?

Eh, Sirrah!

Syrus. That’s my master-piece: this plot

Is my chief glory, and I’m proud to think

I have such force, such power of cunning in me,

As to be able to deceive them both,

By speaking the plain truth: that when your father

Tells Chremes, Bacchis is his own son’s mistress,

He sha’n’t believe it.

Clin. But that way again

You blast my hopes of marriage: for while Chremes

Supposes her my mistress, he’ll not grant

His daughter to me. You, perhaps, don’t care,

So you provide for him, what comes of me.

Syrus. Why, plague! d’ye think I’d have you counterfeit

Forever? but a day, to give me time

To bubble Chremes of the money.—Peace!

Not an hour more.

Clin. Is that sufficient for you?

But then, suppose his father find it out!

Syrus. Suppose, as some folks say, the sky should fall!

Clin. Still I’m afraid.

Syrus. Afraid indeed, as if

It was not in your pow’r, whene’er you pleas’d,

To clear yourself, and tell the whole affair.

Clin. Well, well, let Bacchis be brought over then!

Syrus. Well said; and here she comes.

Scene III.

Enter Bacchis, Phrygia, etc., at another part of the stage.

Bacch. Upon my life,

This Syrus with his golden promises

Has fool’d me hither charmingly! Ten minæ

He gave me full assurance of: but if

He now deceives me, come whene’er he will,

Canting and fawning to allure me hither,

It shall be all in vain; I will not stir.

Or when I have agreed, and fix’d a time,

Of which he shall have giv’n his master notice,

And Clitipho is all agog with hope,

I’ll fairly jilt them both, and not come near them;

And master Syrus’ back shall smart for it.

Clin. She promises you very fair.

Syrus. D’ye think

She jests? She’ll do it, if I don’t take heed.

Bacch. They sleep: i’ faith, I’ll rouse them. Hark ye, Phrygia,

Did you observe the villa of Charinus,

Which yonder fellow shew’d us?

Phry. I did, Madam.

Bacch. The next upon the right.

Phry. I recollect.

Didst note the villa of Charinus, which

That fellow just now show’d us? (Aloud.)

Phry. I did, Madam.

Bacch. The next house on the right hand. (Aloud.)

Phry. I remember.

Bacch. Run thither quickly: for the Captain spends

The Dionysia there. (Aloud.)

Syrus (behind). What means she now?

Bacch. Tell him I’m here; and sore against my will,

Detain’d by force; but I’ll devise some means

Detain’d by force; but that I’ll find some means

To slip away and come to him. (Aloud.)

Syrus. Confusion!— (Comes forward.)

Stay, Bacchis, Bacchis! where d’ye send that girl?

Bid her stop!

Bacch. Go! (To Phrygia.)

Syrus. The money’s ready for you.

Bacch. Oh! then I stay.

Syrus. You shall be paid directly.

Syrus. The money’s ready.

Bacch. Then

I stay. (Phrygia returns.)

Syrus. This instant you shall have it, Bacchis.

Bacch. When you please; I don’t press you.

Syrus. But d’ye know

What you’re to do?

Bacch. Why, what?

Syrus. You must go over,

You and your equipage, to Menedemus.

Bacch. What are you at now, sauce-box?

Syrus. Coining money

For your use, Bacchis.

Bacch. Do you think to play

Your jests on me?

Syrus. No; this is downright earnest.

Bacch. Are you the person I’m to deal with?

Syrus. No.

But ’twill secure your money.

But there I’ll pay the money.

Bacch. Let us go then!

Syrus. Follow her there.——Ho, Dromo!

Scene IV.

Enter Dromo.

Dromo. Who calls?

Syrus. Syrus.

Dromo. Your pleasure! What’s the matter now?

Syrus. Conduct

All Bacchis’ maids to your house instantly.

Dromo. Why so?

Syrus. No questions: let them carry over

All they brought hither. Our old gentleman

Will think himself reliev’d from much expense

By their departure. Troth, he little knows

With how much loss this small gain threatens him.

If you’re wise, Dromo, know not what you know.

Dromo. I’m dumb.

Exit Dromo, with Bacchis’ servants and baggage, into the house of Menedemus.

Scene V.

After which, enter Chremes.

Chrem. (to himself). ’Fore Heav’n, I pity Menedemus.

His case is lamentable: to maintain

That jade and all her harlot family!

Although I know for some few days to come

He will not feel it; so exceedingly

He long’d to have his son: but when he sees

Such monstrous household riot and expense

Continue daily, without end or measure,

He’ll wish his son away from him again.

But yonder’s Syrus in good time. (Seeing Syrus.)

Syrus. I’ll to him. (Aside.)

Chrem. Syrus!

Syrus. Who’s there? (Turning about.)

Chrem. What now?

Syrus. The very man!

I have been wishing for you this long time.

Chrem. You seem to’ve been at work with Menedemus.

Chrem. You seem to’ve been at work with the old man.

Syrus. What! at our plot? No sooner said than done.

Chrem. Indeed!

Syrus. Indeed.

Chrem. I can’t forbear to stroke

Your head for it. Good lad! come nearer, Syrus!

I’ll do thee some good turn for this. I will,

I promise you. (Patting his head.)

Syrus. Ah, if you did but know

How luckily it came into my head!

Chrem. Pshaw, are you vain of your good luck?

Syrus. Not I.

I speak the plain truth.

Chrem. Let me know it then.

Syrus. Clinia has told his father that the wench

Is mistress to your Clitipho; and that

He brought her over with him to their house,

To hinder your detecting it.

Chrem. Good! good!

Syrus. D’ye think so?

Chrem. Charming!

He brought her with him hither, to prevent

Your smoking it.

Chrem. Incomparable!

Syrus. Really?

Chrem. O, admirable!

Syrus. Aye, if you knew all.

But only hear the rest of our device.

But only hear the rest of our advice.

He’ll tell his father he has seen your daughter,

Whose beauty has so charm’d him at first sight,

He longs to marry her.

Chrem. Antiphila?

Syrus. The same: and he’ll request him to demand her

Of you in marriage.

Chrem. To what purpose, Syrus?

I don’t conceive the drift on’t.

Syrus. No! you’re slow.

Chrem. Perhaps so.

Syrus. Menedemus instantly

Will furnish him with money for the wedding,

To buy——d’ye take me?

Chrem. Clothes and jewels.

Syrus. Aye.

Chrem. But I will neither marry, nor betroth

My daughter to him.

Syrus. No? Why?

Chrem. Why!—is that

A question? to a wretch!——

Syrus. Well, as you please.

I never meant that he should marry her,

But only to pretend——

Chrem. I hate pretense.

Plot as you please, but do not render me

An engine in your rogueries. Shall I

Contract my daughter, where I never can

Consent to marry her?

Syrus. I fancied so.

Chrem. Not I.

Syrus. It might be done most dextrously:

And, in obedience to your strict commands,

I undertook this business.

Chrem. I believe it.

Syrus. However, Sir, I meant it well.

Chrem. Nay, nay,

Do’t by all means, and spare no trouble in’t;

But bring your scheme to bear some other way.

Syrus. It shall be done: I’ll think upon some other.

—But then the money which I mention’d to you,

Owing to Bacchis by Antiphila,

Must be repaid her: and you will not now

Attempt to shift the matter off; or say,

“—What is’t to me? was I the borrower?

Did I command it? Could she pledge my daughter

Against my will?”—These pleas you cannot urge;

Against my will?”——You can say none of this;

For ’tis a common saying, and a true,

That strictest law is oft the highest wrong.

Chrem. I mean not to evade it.

Syrus. No, I’ll warrant.

Nay you, though others did, could never think on’t;

For all the world imagines you’ve acquir’d

A fair and handsome fortune.

Chrem. I will carry

The money to her instantly myself.

Syrus. No; rather send it by your son.

Chrem. Why so!

Syrus. Because he acts the part of her gallant.

Chrem. What then?

Syrus. Why then ’twill seem more probable,

If he presents it: I too shall effect

My scheme more easily.—And here he is.——

In, Sir, and fetch the money out.

Chrem. I will.

Exit Chremes.

Scene VI.

Enter Clitipho.

Clit. (to himself). Nothing so easy in itself, but when

Perform’d against one’s will, grows difficult.

This little walk how easy! yet how faint

And weary it has made me!—and I fear

Lest I be still excluded, and forbid

To come near Bacchis. (Seeing Syrus.)—Now all powers above.

Confound you, Syrus, for the trick you play’d me!

That brain of yours is evermore contriving

Some villainy to torture me withal.

Syrus. Away, you malapert! Your frowardness

Had well-nigh been my ruin.

Clit. Would it had!

For you deserv’d it richly.

Syrus. How! deserv’d it?

I’faith I’m glad I heard you say so much

Before you touch’d the cash, that I was just

About to give you.

Syrus. Away, you malapert! Your frowardness

Had well-nigh ruin’d me.

Clit. I would it had,

As you deserv’d!

Syrus. As I deserv’d!—How’s that?——

Before you touch’d the cash, that I was just

About to give you.

Clit. Why, what can I say?

You went away; came back, beyond my hopes,

And brought my mistress with you; then again

Forbade my touching her.

Syrus. Well, well, I can’t

Be peevish with you now—But do you know

Where Bacchis is?

Clit. At our house.

Syrus. No.

Clit. Where then?

Syrus. At Clinia’s.

Clit. Then I’m ruin’d.

Syrus. Courage, man!

You shall go to her instantly, and carry

The money that you promis’d her.

Clit. Fine talk!

Where should I get it?

Syrus. From your father.

Clit. Pshaw!

You play upon me.

Syrus. The event shall show.

Clit. Then I am bless’d indeed. Thanks, thanks, dear Syrus!

Syrus. Hist! here’s your father.—Have a care! don’t seem

Surpris’d at any thing: give way in all:

Do as he bids, and say but little. Mum!

Scene VII.

Enter Chremes.

Chrem. Where’s Clitipho?

Syrus (to Clitipho). Here, say.

Clit. Here, Sir!

Chrem. Have you

Inform’d him of the business? (To Syrus.)

Syrus. In good part.

Chrem. Here, take the money then, and carry it. (To Clitipho.)

Syrus. Plague, how you stand, log!—take it.

Clit. Give it me. (Awkwardly.)

Syrus. Now in with me immediately!—You, Sir, (To Chremes.)

Be pleas’d meanwhile to wait our coming here;

There’s nothing to detain us very long.

Exit Clitipho and Syrus.

Scene VIII.

Chremes alone.

My daughter now has had ten minæ of me,

Which I account laid out upon her board:

Ten more her clothes will come to: and moreover

Two talents for her portion.——How unjust

And absolute is custom! I must now

Leave every thing, and find a stranger out,

On whom I may bestow the sum of wealth

Which I have so much labor’d to acquire.

Scene IX.

Enter Menedemus.

Mene. (to himself). Oh son, how happy hast thou made thy father,

Convinc’d of thy repentance!

Chrem. (overhearing). How mistaken!

Mene. Chremes! I wish’d for you.—’Tis in your power,

And I beseech you do it, to preserve

My son, myself, and family.

Chrem. I’ll do’t.

Wherein can I oblige you?

Mene. You to-day

Have found a daughter.

Chrem. True. What then?

Mene. My Clinia

Begs your consent to marry her.

Chrem. Good Heaven!

What kind of man are you?

Mene. What mean you, Chremes?

Chrem. Has it then slipp’d your memory so soon,

The conversation that we had together,

Touching the rogueries they should devise,

To trick you of your money?

Mene. I remember.

Chrem. This is the trick.

Mene. How, Chremes? I’m deceiv’d.

’Tis as you say. From what a pleasing hope

Have I then fall’n!

Chrem. And she, I warrant you,

Now at your house, is my son’s mistress? Eh!

Mene. So they say.

Chrem. What! and you believ’d it?

Mene. All.

Chrem. —And they say too he wants to marry her;

That soon as I’ve consented, you may give him

Money to furnish her with jewels, clothes,

And other necessaries.

Mene. Aye, ’tis so:

The money’s for his mistress.

Chrem. To be sure.

Mene. Alas, my transports are all groundless then.

—Yet I would rather bear with any thing,

Than lose my son again.—What answer, Chremes,

Shall I return with, that he mayn’t perceive

I’ve found him out, and take offense?

Chrem. Offense!

You’re too indulgent to him, Menedemus!

Mene. Allow me. I’ve begun, and must go through.

Do but continue to assist me, Chremes.

Chrem. Say we have met, and treated of the match.

Mene. Allow me. I’ve begun, and must go through.

Do but continue to assist me.

Chrem. Say,

That we have met, and treated of the match.

Mene. Well; and what else?

Chrem. That I give full consent;

That I approve my son-in-law;—In short,

You may assure him also, if you please,

That I’ve betroth’d my daughter to him.

Mene. Good!

The very thing I wanted.

Chrem. So your son

The sooner shall demand the money of you;

And so shall you, according to your wish

The sooner give.

Mene. It is my wish indeed.

Chrem. ’Fore heaven, friend, as far as I can judge,

You’ll soon be weary of your son again.

But be it as it may, give cautiously,

A little at a time, if you are wise.

The thing I wanted.

Chrem. So shall he the sooner

Demand the money; you, as you desire,

The sooner give.

Mene. ’Tis my desire indeed.

Chrem. ’Troth, friend, as far as I can judge of this,

You’ll soon be weary of your son again.

But as the case now stands, give cautiously,

A little at a time, if you are wise.

Mene. I will.

Chrem. Go in, and see what he demands.

If you should want me, I’m at home.

Mene. ’Tis well.

For I shall let you know, do what I will.

Exeunt severally.