The following pages have been selected and edited by "Life's" famous contributor

+ A. C.

Hope Springs Eternal

Oldest Inhabitant: "I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next one."

"That's Betty Grant's new maid."

"She's much smarter than her mistress."

"Well, they can't both afford to dress like that."

Father: "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for years!"

Hopeful: "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."

Betty (after flash of lightning): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as far away as you possibly can."

Employer: "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."

Boy: "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."

Mistress: "Oh, Jane, how did you break that vase?"

Maid: "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."

Little Girl (in foreground): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom must come to his wedding."

Mistress: "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."

Cook: "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."

Raw Hand (at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green lights): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."

Officer: "Well, what is it?"

R. H.: "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."

"Can you play bridge to-night?"

"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."

"What—do you like the stuff?"

"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very much better than it sounds."

Master: "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia. Surely, you've heard me again and again say 'pneumonia'?"

Man: "Well, Sir, I 'ave; but I didn't like to correct you."

Successful Poultry Farmer: "You'd be surprised what a difference these incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every week."

Champion Dog Breeder: "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find names for them all?"

Small Boy (who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow): "I hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."

Mother: "Oh, Mary, why do you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand?"

Mary: "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."

Mother (to child who has been naughty): "Aren't you rather ashamed of yourself?"

Child: "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I am."

A Consoling Thought

Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the station): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all."

Life's Difficulties

Mother: "Why, what's the matter, darling?"

Small daughter (tearfully): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this worm to my hen."

Mother: "Then why don't you?"

Small daughter (with renewed wails): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm won't like it."

"Does God make lions, Mother?"

"Yes, dear."

"But isn't he frightened to?"

"Excuse me, officer, but have you seen any pickpockets about here with a handkerchief marked 'Susan'?"

Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones (who is gazing at an aeroplane): "My word! I shouldn't care for one of them flying things to settle on me."

The Woman: "Jazz stockings are the latest thing, dear. Here's a picture of a girl with them on."

The Man: "What appalling rot! Er—after you with the paper."

Small Invalid (to visitor): "I've had a lot of diseases in my time—measles—whooping-cough—influenza—tonsilitis—but (modestly) I haven't had dropsy yet."

The Servant Problem

Lady: "And why did your last mistress——"

Applicant (loftily): "Excuse me, Madam!"

Lady: "Well—er—your last employer——"

Applicant: "I beg your pardon, Madam!"

Lady: "Well, then, your last—er—pray what do you call those in whose service you are engaged?"

Applicant: "Clients, Madam."

Small Girl: "I wonder how old Joan is?"

Small Boy: "I bet she won't see four again."

Mother: "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?"

Mary (demurely): "Yes, Mummy."

Mother: "And did you enjoy it?"

Mary: "Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (very demurely) I struggled."

"Mollie, you haven't said your prayers."

"I'm going to say them in bed to-night."

"Oh, Mollie, that isn't etiquette."

Applicant for Situation: "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"

Troubles of the New-Poor

"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner and—she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."

"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"

"Well, usually in a sweater."

Small Boy (walking round links with his father): "Daddy, here's a ball for you."

Father: "Where did you get that from?"

Small Boy: "It's a lost ball, Daddy."

Father: "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"

Small Boy: "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it."

Small Boy (toying with dull blanc-mange): "Please may I have an ice instead of finishing this—'cos I feel sick?"

The New Appreciation

Wife (habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her husband down): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I wonder who he is?"

Lady: "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book."

Author (delighted): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"

Lady: "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it."

Employer (inspecting a very inflated bill for work): "Look here—how did you get at this amount?"

Odd Jobs Man: "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it up, so I just charged by time."

Employer: "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by eternity."

Tourist: "Have you any cold meat?"

Waiter: "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."

Lady: "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch to-day?"

Cook: "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions. You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so red."

Small Boy (on being told by cousin that she is engaged to be married): "Oh! (long pause) and what did your husband say when he engaged you?"

Master: "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"

Butler: "Well, Sir, I don't want my name to die out."

Artist (in desperation): "That, Sir, I consider the finest in my exhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price."

The Visitor: "Bless my soul! You don't say so. By the way, what is the price of the catalogue?"

"Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"

"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don't like her most."

"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath stops overflowing through his ceiling?"

Old Lady (interrogating her chauffeur's small boy): "Well, my little man, and do you know who I am?"

Small Boy: "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy's car."

Parent: "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and not always 'fair.'"

Young Hopeful: "I daresay you would, Dad. But, you see, I'm an ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report."

Optimist: "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem."

Pessimist: "No, but they seem so."

Our Modern Infant

Genial Uncle: "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"

Small Boy: "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you up."

Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception): "You don't look nearly as tired as I should have thought."

Bride: "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"

Little Girl: "Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad that you'd been running after Mr. Goldmore for months and months."

A Subtle Distinction

"I say—come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'."

"Thanks—but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning, you know."

Specialist (to patient suffering from insomnia): "And did you try my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"

Patient: "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand and thirty-nine, and then it was time to get up."

Neighbor (bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast): "You're wanted at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate off yer income-tax."

Joan (whose mother has just bought her a pair of woolen gloves): "Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind; they make my sweets so hairy."

Lady (to applicant for situation as cook): "Have you been accustomed to have a kitchen-maid under you?"

Cook: "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I have had colleagues."

Father: "Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the office this morning about your fight with his boy yesterday."

Son: "Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did."

Artist (condescendingly): "I did this last summer. It really isn't much good."

Candid Friend: "No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?"

Blue Blood

Mrs. Profiteer: "Is this a pedigree dog?"

Dealer: "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."

Small Bridesmaid (loudly, in middle of ceremony): "Mummie, are we all getting married?"

Small Girl: "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."

Smaller Girl (with air of superiority): "My mummy was married years ago."

"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"

"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it."

Office Boy (anxious to go to football match): "May I have the afternoon off, Sir? My grand——"

Employer: "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last week."

Office Boy: "Yes, Sir; but—my grandfather's getting married again this afternoon."

Minister's Wife: "My husband was asking only this morning why you weren't in the habit of attending church."

Latest Inhabitant: "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's Sundays."

"Two mistakes here, waiter—one in your favor, one in mine."

"In your favor, Sir? Where?"

Mistress: "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."

Cook: "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near broke me jaw already."

Gushing Lady: "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest fellow too."

Cynic: "Bigamist!"

Mother: "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel very bad, dear?"

Augustus: "Thank you—I'm only dying."

New Butler: "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"

Profiteer: "What time do the best people dine?"

New Butler: "At different times, Sir."

Profiteer: "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."

Fond Mamma: "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear father with quite the proper respect."

Young Hopeful; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."

Playful Hostess: "Couldn't you manage one more éclair?"

Serious Little Boy: "No, fanks, I've no more room."

Playful Hostess: "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would that help?"

Serious Little Boy (after deep thought): "No, fanks, that would make the space at the wrong end."

Vicar's Wife: "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"

Ethel: "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for his birthday."

Vicar's Wife: "Oh—and what are you writing in it?"

Ethel: "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the author's compliments.'"

The Obstacle

George: "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn't been for something she said."

Fred: "What did she say?"

George: "No!"

Changing the Subject

She: "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk about myself all evening."

He: "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."

She: "Very well, then! Suppose you talk about me for a while."

"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'you mind taking a cheque for the tip?"

A Chance Lost

"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"

"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument if he had said which one."

He: "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an actress."

She: "Oh, yes! It is she who rehearses him in those beautiful extempore sermons he preaches."

During the Quarrel

He: "But if you will allow me to——"

She: "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken and I can prove it."

Conditional

Eloping Bride: "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter."

Bridegroom: "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling—so long as he doesn't do it when we get back."

Just Ignorance

He (dejectedly): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."

She: "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know anything about love?"

All in One Breath

Wife: "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the way, what are you going to buy him?"

A Young Philosopher

"Mamma!"

"What is it, dear?"

"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know the answer to."

Femininity

Julia: "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she has absolutely nothing to wish for."

Gertrude: "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."

Getting Even

Mrs. Lynks: "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every time you swear."

Mr. Lynks: "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time you envy me for being able to."

A Soothing Effect

"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"

"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney."

In That Case

She: "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure, cold water."

He: "I guess I have never been really thirsty."

A Qualified Statement

"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one be here?"

"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and the swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours."

The Count: "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth one hundred thousand dollaire."

The Millionaire: "But I thought you were a bankrupt."

The Count: "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch to you."

"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"

"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week."

Mother (to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs): "Well, dear, were there no eggs?"

Little Girl: "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern."

"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is short, isn't he?"

He (absently): "Yes, usually."

Urchin (contemptuously): "Huh! Yer mother takes in washin'!"

Neighbor: "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' aht overnight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"

His Sphere

"His versatility is something extraordinary."

"I had an idea he was rather stupid."

"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds of a fool of himself."

Poetic Bridegroom: "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes, and listening to the wash of the ocean."

Practical Bride: "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our laundry bill yet."

A Lovers' Quarrel

George: "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"

Kate: "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what they quarreled about."

A Dreadful Possibility

Elsie: "When is my birthday, Mother?"

Her Mother: "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."

Elsie: "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days, where would I have been?"

Getting Reckless

She: "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know better."

He: "Aren't you afraid she is too old to know better?"

"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so different from other girls."

"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls."

Retroactive

"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."

"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating myself."

Pupil: "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?"

Teacher: "No—you're not."

Apologizing

"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"

"Yes! I am."

"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about you."

Denied the Privilege

The Child: "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"

The Mother: "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys."

The Child: "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?"

A Good Plan

She: "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can we give them?"

"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."

Enfranchisement of Woman

First Voter: "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of course?"

Second Voter: "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor."

Familiarity, Etc.

"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"

"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except intimate friends."

Reassuring

She: "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"

He: "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years without knowing love when I feel it."

How It Happened

"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met until a week ago."

"I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught in a thunder storm."

A Linguist

"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met."

"In what way?"

"She can keep silence in four different languages."

The Difference

She: "I'm so glad we're engaged."

He: "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"

She: "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't."

The Road to——, Etc.

"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in my good resolutions."

"I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next world."

Classified

Mrs. Bargain: "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the money for a new hat."

Mr. Bargain: "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'"

A Solution

The Mistress: "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would have returned them unopened."

The Maid: "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist back unopened?"

Encouraging

He: "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of hope before I leave you forever?"

She: "Er—that clock is half an hour fast."

An Alias

Miss Hen: "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as 'Chanticleer'!"

Lady (to prospective daily housemaid): "The hours will be from nine to six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner."

D. H.: "For luncheon, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leave at six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first."

Changing Places

"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."

"She has evidently reversed the order of things."

"How so?"

"She does the dictating now."

Economy

Young Husband: "I see that sugar has gone down two points."

Young Wife: "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."

Best Man (seeing couple off on honeymoon): "Here you are—just a few magazines to help pass away the time."

Hostess (to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the cakes): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you, John?"

John: "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"

Mr. Househunter: "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day. The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."

Mrs. Househunter: "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither very wide nor very high."

Qualified

The Leading Woman: "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"

The Comedian: "He doesn't—he is."

Claiming Acquaintance

Chimmie: "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight—me cousin used ter go ter school wid'm."

Billie: "Dat ain't nuthin'—me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked out by'm onct."

From the Heart

The Wife: "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of the weather."

The Husband: "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the fashion will have changed."

The Reporter: "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"

Sledge-hammer Mike: "De solar plexus."

The Reporter: "And er—if you get beaten, what will your—er—weak spot have been?"

An Argument

"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."

"Why do you say so?"

"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."

The Secret

The Man of Theory: "The great secret of happiness lies in being content with one's lot."

The Man of Practice: "But it has to be a whole lot."

Wants Her Rights

He: "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest teacher."

She: "And there is no holding back her salary, either."

"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to be useful?"

"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady's maid—not a useful maid."

Getting Back

Customer to Palmist: "Five dollars fee? Er—would you have any objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to me?"

Betty: "Mummy, does God send us our food?"

Mother: "Yes, dear; of course He does."

Betty: "But what a price!"

During Vacation

The Summer Girl: "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really cannot become engaged to you."

The Summer Man: "Well—er—could you manage to be a sister to me for a couple of weeks?"

Not Unique

He: "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush."

She: "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same thing."

A Noble Aim

She: "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"

"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and everybody except the members."

Once Too Often

"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with an old comrade in arms."

"By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?"

"Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted."

"Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi thought av him, an' ut appears he thought worse av me."

Cause and Effect

"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness."

"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one."

"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"

"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."

Sympathy

Freddie (aged six): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me for my birfday?"

His Mother: "Yes, dear! What of it?"

Freddie: "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick."

Slighted

"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready to be friends again."

"Misunderstanding, indeed! If you had any feeling you'd call it a quarrel."

Going Further

Flora: "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you I'd get even with her."

Dora: "Getting even with her won't satisfy me. I'm going to get uneven with her."

Getting on

Old Gentleman: "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"

Small Boy: "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to knock spots out of Willie Jones."

Literally

He: "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him."

She: "Yes! They met in an automobile collision."

An Extensive Love

She: "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on."

He: "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she is."

Cause and Effect

"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill."

"Sour grapes always did have that effect."

No Dissension

Mrs. Storme: "How is your Debating Society getting along?"

Mrs. Karn: "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree beautifully."

"Why are they not speaking?"

"They quarreled about which loved the other the more."

"Well!"

"And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other."

In Keeping

"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good housekeeper."

"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning."

He Knew

She: "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby."

He: "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as she likes."

Arranged to Fit

Elsie: "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an' eat it all up."

Mother: "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick."

Elsie: "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first."

Probably

"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you suggest?"

"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."

Sure Signs

"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"

"Twins."

Such a Waste

Mrs. Bizzy: "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"

Casey: "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av. 'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."

Too One-Sided

"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and forget."

"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always forgetting."

Discretion

Miss Bizzy: "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."

O'Brien: "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know about them."

Better Unsaid

Cholly Lyttlebrayne: "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me over a thousand dollars."

Miss Thotless: "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"

Letting Him Know

Flora: "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my last letter."

Dora: "What did you say in your last letter?"

Flora: "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."

Why, Indeed

The Husband: "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two seconds'?"

The Wife: "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! I'm ready now'?"

Madge: "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"

Mabel: "Not yet—but I have given him my final 'No.'"

Only Their Way

First Lady (effusively): "I am more than charmed to see you, my dear Mrs.—er—um—."

Second Lady (more effusively): "How lovely of you! So am I delighted. I do hope we'll meet again very, very soon, my dearest Mrs.—um—er—."

Inadvertent

Prospective Bride: "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling dress—a wedding dress costs such a lot."

Dressmaker: "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it would be out of fashion."

Making Sure

"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents."

"I thought he had dozens of your photos."

"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check."

More Desperate Still

She: "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot believe in love in a cottage."

He: "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat and all improvements."

Sympathy

The Tabby-Cat: "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest kittens, and they went and gave one away!"

The Parrot: "Wasn't it too bad of them—to go and break the set?"

Popular Opinion

First Burglar: "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin' dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!"

Second Burglar: "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?"

More Opportunity

The Wife: "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are."

The Husband: "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying with."

"Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty."

"Not 'frightfully,' mummy. A lot of that's shading."

The Ant: "Well, we've struck!"

The Gnat: "What for?"

The Ant: "Longer hours."

Effie: "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr. Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"

Mr. Mitcham: "How did you do that, my dear?"

Effie: "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left the room!"

Not What She Meant

She: "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance of their becoming reconciled?"

He: "Oh, they seem to be quite reconciled."

He: "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion when I made such an awful ass of myself?"

She: "Which?"

Jones (who is of an inquiring mind): "Ain't you getting tired of hearing people say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!'?"

Miss Belsize (a professional beauty): "Oh, no. I'm getting tired of hearing people say, 'Is that the beautiful Miss Belsize?'"

Mrs. Montague Smart (suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not opened his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago): "And now let us talk of something else!"

Mamma: "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?"

Fair Debutante (who has a fine healthy appetite): "Oh, yes, Mamma—several people!"

Guest: "Well, good-bye, Old Man!—and you've really got a very nice little place here!"

Host: "Yes; but it's rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will have grown a good bit before you're back, Old Man!"

She: "No! I can't give you another dance. But I'll introduce you to the prettiest girl in the room!"

He: "But I don't want to dance with the prettiest girl in the room. I want to dance with you!"

"I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. One word more and I—I withdraw my overdraft."

Wife (at upper window): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"

"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."

"Well—you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out."

Motor-Launch Officer (who has rung for full-speed without result): "What's the matter?"

Voice-from below: "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."

Commander: "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing—we want to get on."

Mother: "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"

Daughter: "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy. He's looking after him just now."

Justification

Wife: "Two bottles of ginger ale, dear?"

He: "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our wedding-day?"

First Flapper: "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I hadn't paid any fare."

Second Flapper: "And what did you do?"

First Flapper: "I just glared back at him—as if I had!"

Mollie (who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"): "Oh, Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack—anywhere you like."

Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog): "And if you find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of pain?—and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary patient."

Governess: "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"

Mollie: "Sugar and spice and all that's nice."

Governess: "And what are little boys made of?"

Mollie: "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie that yesterday, and he could hardly believe it."

"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"

"Of course. Why ask?"

"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing."

Irate Parent: "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter good-night, did it ever dawn upon you—"

The Suitor: "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."

Wife: "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's so absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa! Who is it speaking?'"

Mrs. Goodheart: "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with your cast-off clothing?"

Mr. Hardup: "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them on again in the morning."

"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you lost?"

"No," was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like to know where father and mother have wandered to."

Helen's elder sister: "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."

Helen: "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one—it would be so horrid when it twinkled."

"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"

"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"

"Yus—if she don't get it."

Child: "Mother, I have been good to-day—so patient with Nurse."

The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils listened with respectful attention until he came to his final instruction.

"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain cool."

Wife: "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of buying for yourself."

Husband (as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks): "Yes, dear, and you have succeeded."

Podger (to new acquaintance): "I wonder if that fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?"

Cooler: "I can easily find out by asking her—she is my wife."

Young Husband: "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong with this cake."

The Bride (smiling triumphantly): "That shows what you know about it. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious."

Wife (referring to guest): "He's a most attractive man; is he married?"

Husband: "I dunno. He's a reserved chap—keeps all his troubles to himself!"

Questioning a class, an inspector asked:

"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday,' would that be right?"

"No, sir," was the reply.

"And why not?"

"Please, sir, because you wasn't."

Salesman: "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is fool-proof."

Sweet Thing (placidly): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you don't know my husband."

The Stage Manager: "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain."

The New Hand: "Wot yer talkin' about—'run up the curtain'—think I'm a bloomin' squirrel?"

Old Gentleman (to new gardener): "Why do you always pull your barrow instead of pushing it?"

The Gardener: "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing."

"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"

"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."

"But it's pouring! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in such weather."

Lady (who has purchased a ready-made dress): "Tiresome this dress is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up."

Cook (acting as lady's-maid): "Yes'm, they do. That's why I wouldn't have it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day."

His Reputation

Waitress: "He ain't no good, Lil—he's one of these fellers wot chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare to see wot he gets for it."

Not Up-to-Date

Penelope: "What made George and Alice break their engagement?"

Clarissa: "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the present day."

"Some wise person once said that silence was golden, did he not?"

"I believe so. Why?"

"I was just thinking how extravagant some women are."

Not Restricted

"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free thinker."

"Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"

John: "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket."

Mirandy: "Daon't yew dew it, John; yew can't say fer sure that the train'll show up—I don't never believe in payin' fer a thing 'til I git it."

The Wife: "Oh, you needn't sneer! I mean every word I say."

"I'm not sneering, my dear. I'm just thinking what a lot you must mean."

The Escort: Who's that fellow who seems to know you?

The Lady: Only a second cousin once removed.

The Escort: Hm! Well, he looks as if he wanted removing again.

Voice (far off): Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo!

Satiated Camper: All right, all right! Who's arguing about it?

A Great Athlete

Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation turned on athletics.

"Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a gold medal in a foot race."

"Bedad," replied Mike. "Sure, an' thot's foine. But did I ivir tell ye about my uncle at Ballycluna?"

"I don't remember," replied Pat.

"Well," said Mike, "he's got a gold medal for five miles, an' one for ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming, two cups for wrestling, an' badges for boxing an' rowing!"

"Begorra," said Pat, "he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!"

"Shure, an' he's no athlete at all—at all," came the reply. "He kapes the pawnshop!"

Nothing New to Him

The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked down a man without injuring him much.

She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to the solid earth and faced him manfully.

"I'm sorry it happened," she said grudgingly, "but it was all your fault. You must have been walking carelessly. I'm an experienced driver. I've been driving a car for seven years."

"Well," replied her victim angrily, "I'm not a novice myself. I've been walking for fifty-seven years."

Lady (to pedlar): "No, thank you, we never buy anything at the door."

Pedlar: "Then I've just the thing for you, Madam. You will, I am sure, appreciate these tasteful little 'No Pedlars' notices."

There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read. Yes; but it is just as well not to say it when there are women and children around.

Mother: It is rude to whisper, Humphrey.

Humphrey (aged five): Well, I was saying what a funny nose that man's got. So you see it would have been much ruder if I'd said it aloud.

She (pouting): You don't value my kisses as you used to.

He: Value them? Why, before we were married I used to expect a dozen in payment for a box of candy, and now I consider only one of them sufficient payment for a new dress.

Knowledge

The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv, I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll know more than you do."

"I'll go you one better, my boy," the father replied. "I hope that when you are that old you will know as much as you think you do now."

A Humbling Sight

An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On receiving the first impression she failed to recognise the figure thereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set out for the artist's studio to ask if there was no mistake.

"Is that me?" she queried.

"Yes, madam," replied the artist.

"And is it like me?" she again asked.

"Yes, madam; it's a speaking likeness."

"Aweel!" she said, resignedly, "it's a humblin' sicht."

Dollie: Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she doesn't wear very well.

Pollie (kindly): I know, but the poor thing wears the best she has, I suppose.

Troublesome Customer

A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops and worried the majority of the salesmen without spending a penny, so exasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest. "Madam," he asked, "are you shopping here?"

The lady looked surprised, but not by any means annoyed. "Certainly!" she replied. "What else should I be doing?"

For a moment the salesman hesitated; then he blurted out, "Well, madam, I thought perhaps you were taking an inventory!"

Officer (to sailor who has rescued him from drowning): Thank you, Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat.

Sailor: Don't do that, sir, they'll half kill me!

Steward: Can I do anything for you, sir?

Passenger (faintly): You might present my compliments to the chief engineer and ask him if there is any hope of the boilers blowing up.

Lady (to box office manager): Can you tell me what they are playing to-morrow night?

Box Office Manager: "You Never Can Tell," Madam.

Lady: Don't they even let you know?

Village Idiot: Beg pardon, mam, seeing you're painting the church, I thought I'd better tell you the clock is ten minutes fast.

Employer (rebuking employee for slackness): Have you any idea of the meaning of "Esprit de Corps"?

Stenographer: No, I haven't, and if it's anything vulgar I don't want to.

Sympathetic Lady: What's the matter with your hand, my little man?

Boy: Sawed the top of my finger off.

Sympathetic Lady: Dear, dear, how did you do that?

Boy: Sawing.

Remembered

Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son Bobby has.

"And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks.

"Remember you? Why, he remembers every face that he ever saw."

An hour later they entered the house, and after Jinks had shaken hands with Mrs. Blinks, he calls Bobby over to him.

"And do you remember me, my little man?"

"Course I do. You're the same man that pa brought home last summer, and ma was so wild about it that she didn't speak to pa for a whole week."

Natural Deduction

"The man that argues with a woman is a fool," said Mr. Gadspur.

"I agree with you," said Mr. Twobble.

"And if he expects to have the last word he's an even bigger fool."

"Quite so, quite so. What did you and the 'Missus' quarrel about this morning?"

Too Good

"Well, Alice," said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in her employ, "I hear that you have married."

"Yassum, Ah done got me a husband now."

"Is he a good provider, Alice?"

"Yassum. He's powerful good provider, but Ah's powerful skeered he's gwine git catched at it."

An Error in Judgment

Mother: "What! Have you been fighting again, Johnnie? Good little boys don't fight."

Johnnie: "Yes, I know that. I thought he was a good little boy, but after I hit him once, I found he wasn't."

Teaching the Young Idea

Little Willie looked up from the paper he had been reading, and inquired of his father:

"Dad, who was Mozart?"

"Good gracious, boy! You don't know that!" indignantly returned his parent. "Go and read your Shakespeare."

He Takes Your Time

"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all,'" remarked the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone he knows shall know it all, too."

The Floor Held

"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his friend.

"Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?"

His Difficulty

Real Estate Agent: "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?"

Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser: "I was just wondering whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes."

The Real Job

"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?"

"Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies."

Off Like a Shot

It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused of having fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesses for the prosecution was being severely cross-examined by the defending counsel.

"You say that you heard both shots fired?" he asked sternly.

"Yes, sir."

"How near were you to the scene of the affair?"

"At the time the first shot was fired I was about twenty feet from the prisoner."

"Twenty feet. Humph! Now tell the court how far you were off when you heard the second shot."

"Well, sir," replied the witness slowly, "I didn't exactly measure the distance; but, speaking approximately, I should say about half a mile."

Answered

She: "And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?"

He: "A bachelor."

To Be Sure

Lily: "Harold proposed to me last night while turning the music for me at the piano."

Edith: "Ah, I see, dear; you played right into his hands!"

A Close Call

Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirts of his native village, and because he stood in a railway station for the first time of his life, his amazement was great.

The vastness of his surroundings completely dazzled him, but when the 3.30 express dashed through the station, that did it. He kept his eyes glued on the tunnel through which it had disappeared, staring after it as though some kind of miracle had happened. He remained like this for several minutes, much to the amusement of the onlookers, until at length an inquisitive porter asked him what he was staring at.

"Oi was just thinkun'," he said, pulling himself together, "what a terribal smash there'd 'a' bin if he'd 'a' missed the 'ole!"

Breathless Visitor: Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones——

Doctor: No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that.

They were talking over the days that will never return, so they asserted; the days when there was no thirst in the land. But they had particular reference to the old state militia camp of long ago. For be it known, there was much taken to camp in those days that had little to do with military training, and it was carried in capacious jugs and big bottles. Everybody expected his city friends to run down to the camp, and be called upon to act as an assuager of thirst. "The year I have reference to," said one of the old-timers, "was a notably wet one. The first night in camp everybody seemed to be bent on sampling what everybody else had brought down from the city. The result was that when the company of which I was a member was ordered to fall in the next morning to answer the roll-call there was a pretty wobbly line-up. We had a new sergeant—new to the routine of a camp, and after he had checked up he should have reported, 'Sir, the company is present and accounted for.' Instead he got rattled and said, 'Sir, the company is full.' Our captain, looking us over, sarcastically remarked, 'I should say as much, full as a tick.'"

Ready and Willing

Magistrate: "Can't this case be settled out of court?"

Mulligan: "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police interfered."

An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what he should do. Shaking his head, he was about to leave the office, when the doctor called out "Hey, there, uncle, you forgot to pay me." "Pay you fo' what, boss?" "For my advice." "Nossuh, boss," said Rastus, shuffling out. "I'se compluntated it from all angles and decided not to take it."

An airman had been taking up passengers for short trips, and by the time his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions. He told his passengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to speak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to his machine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airman quite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of stunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his passengers until he felt a touch on his arm. "What is it?" he said impatiently. "I'm so sorry to trouble you," said a voice behind, "and I know I oughtn't to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can't help it. I thought perhaps you ought to know Annie's gone."

Chloe: I sho' mighter knowed I gwine have bad luck if I do dat washin' on Friday.

Daphne: What bad luck done come to you?

Chloe: I sen' home dat pink silk petticoat wid de filly aidge what I was gwine keep out to wear to chu'ch on Sunday.

The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific subject when the nurse announced the arrival of a boy. "What—who?" stammered the professor absently. "Why interrupt me—isn't my wife at home?"

Sarcasm

Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had been engaged.

When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Looking round, he beckoned the chairman.

"I should like to have a glass of water on my table, if you please," he said.

"To drink?" was the chairman's idiotic question.

"Oh, no," was the sarcastic retort, "when I've been speaking half-an-hour I do a high dive."

None at All

Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off.

"Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a safe journey."

"Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A' my spare cash I gie tae my auld mither."

"That's strange! Your mither said you niver gave her anything!"

"Well, if I dinna gie my auld mither anything, what sort of chance d'ye think you've got?"

Art and Nature

Husband: "What was that you were playing, my dear?"

Wife: "Did you like it?"

"It was lovely—the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!"

"It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it was horrid."

"Well, the steak was burnt last evening."

Misunderstood

Mistress: "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers."

Maid: "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine, too?"

All Brains

A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture, and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping over to where he sat, looked over his shoulder for a few minutes, and said timidly:

"I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium you paint with?"

"Brains," shouted the other in a voice of thunder.

"Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess," which caused a roar of laughter.

Thirteen to One

Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he had not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he would be glad to do so. Accordingly, just before the end of the service, he announced:

"Will those who wish to be married to-day please come forward?"

Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up.

A Good Actor

Neighbour: "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."

Farmer: "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was working the last week he was here."

Too Sad for That

A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.

"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.

The innkeeper looked pained.

"We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it with all the calm resignation we can!"

The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as if his bite might be quite as bad as his bark. "Why, Percy," she exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you would face death for me." "I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but that darn dog ain't dead."

Wife (enthusiastically): I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day, dear. But, of course, I know we can not afford——

Hubby (resignedly): When have they promised to deliver it?

Realised

Lawyer: "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate."

Client: "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams of his youth."

Never Miss One

Elder sister: "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I could give you a wrinkle or two."

Younger sister: "No doubt—and never miss them."

A Bad Night

The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to London. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel—one with a private bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked:

"Did you have a good night's rest?"

"Well, no, I didn't," she replied. "The room was all right, and the bed was pretty. But I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraid someone would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room!"

Tripped

The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly flowers about them—everything was just right for a proposal, and Timkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and also, he believed, an heiress, which was better.

"Are you not afraid that someone will marry you for your money?" he asked gently.

"Oh! dear, no," smiled the girl. "Such an idea never entered my head!"

"Ah! Miss Liscombe," he sighed, "in your sweet innocence you do not dream how coldly, cruelly mercenary some men are!"

"Perhaps I don't," replied the girl calmly.

"I would not for a moment have such a terrible fate befall you," he said passionately. "You are too good—too beautiful. The man who wins you should love you for yourself alone."

"He'll have to," the girl remarked. "It's my cousin Jennie who has the money—not I. You seem to have got us mixed. I haven't a penny myself."

"Oh—er!" stammered the young man, "what pleasant weather we are having, aren't we?"

The Gloomy Guest

The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself to cheer him up.

"Er—have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.

"Not lately," replied the gloomy one, with a faraway expression.

"Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"

"People kept thinking it was something to drink."

A well-known admiral—a stickler for uniform—stopped opposite a very portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for eating, my man?" On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out: "Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"

First Little Girl: What's your last name, Annie?

Second Little Girl: Don't know yet; I ain't married.

Kloseman: I didn't see you in church last Sunday.

Keen: Don't doubt it. I took up the collection.

A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when her husband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of the funeral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. "Why, Sarah," said her mistress, "what made you get white gloves?" Sarah drew herself up and said in tones of dignity, "Don't you s'pose I wants dem niggahs to see dat I'se got on gloves?"

Dad (sternly): Where were you last night?

Son: Oh, just riding around with some of the boys.

Dad: Well, tell 'em not to leave their hairpins in the car.

Said the guest, upon approaching his host's home in the suburb, "Ah, there are some of your family on the veranda. The girl in short dresses is your daughter, the young man in riding breeches is your son, and the woman in the teagown is your charming wife." Said the host: "No, you are all wrong. The girl in the short dresses is my grandmother, the young fellow in riding breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is my ten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her great-grandmother's dresses."

A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business, but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has ever been tried. Condensed fertilizer—that's what it is. Enough for an acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets." "I don't doubt it, young gentleman," said the veteran of the soil. "What is more, you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket."

Weary Willie slouched into the pawnshop. "How much will you give me for this overcoat?" he asked, producing a faded but neatly mended garment. Isaac looked at it critically. "Four dollars," he said.

"Why," cried Weary Willie, "that coat's worth ten dollars if it's worth a penny.'"

"I wouldn't give you ten dollars for two like that," sniffed Isaac. "Four dollars or nothing."

"Are you sure that's all it's worth?" asked Weary Willie.

"Four dollars," repeated Isaac.

"Well, here's yer four dollars," said Weary Willie. "This overcoat was hangin' outside yer shop, and I was wonderin' how much it was really worth."

Not in the Business

"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it again?"

"No, madam. We only do one week's washing."

Her Views

Mrs. de Vere: "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your own views of foreign life!"

Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera; it's so common."

A Good Match

Proprietor: "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?"

Assistant: "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head and I showed him a soft hat."

Life's Biggest Problem

Old Job: "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love with a great problem or a beautiful woman!"

Old Steve: "Why not choose the latter and get both?"

He (just introduced): What a very homely person that gentleman near the piano is, Mrs. Black!

She: Isn't he? That is Mr. Black.

He: How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the prettiest wives!

A customer entered the small-town barber shop. "How soon can you cut my hair?" he asked of the proprietor, who was seated in an easy chair, perusing the pages of a novel.

"Bill," said the barber, addressing his errand boy, "run over and tell the editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors."

Pompous Publisher (to aspiring novice in literature): I have been reading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it, I think—ahem!—very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, you should always write so that the most ignorant can understand.

Youthful Authoress (wishing to show herself most ready to accept advice): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that have given you trouble?

Fishy Record

First Stenog. (reading): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles on a galleon!"

Second Stenog.: "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about them foreign cars."

A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain't this just like hell?" ejaculated a Yank.

"Ah, zese Americans," exclaimed a Frenchman, "where have zey not been?"

"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."

"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down,' he's a Boston terrier."

Lady: Well, what do you want?

Tramp: Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at the front——

Lady (with interest): Really——

Tramp: Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came round to the back.

"The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now they're having a consultation."

"Of doctors?"

"Of dressmakers."

"You discharged your office boy?"

"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and look wise."

"I guess you've seen the last of him."

"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency expert."

"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"

"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on it—such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."

Perfect Agreement

Mother: "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you agree once in a while?"

Georgia: "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do I."

She: Jack is in love with you.

Her: Nonsense!

She: That's what I said when I heard it.

Her: How dared you!

Professor (endeavoring to impress on class the definition of cynic): Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?

Senior: A professor!

A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:

"What's the name of this wheel?"

"That is the Belvedere," answered the salesman.

He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question:

"Can you recommend the Belva?"

"What this country needs is more production."

"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."

Bottled Courage

"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"

"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose."

"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.

"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."

It Worked

A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously.

"A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice:

"Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?"

"The nearest hospital!" she ejaculated.

"Yes, mum, I'm feeling bad. I believe I'm sickening for something; the scarlet fever, I think."

"What!" she shrieked. "Get out of my shop."

He turned to obey.

"Here, take your money back," she said. He did so; and, offering the bread, said humbly:

"You'll take yer loaf, won't yer, mum?"

"Get out of my shop."

He crawled out, and with bowed head went around the corner. Presently, another mountain of misery joined him.

"Well, Bill?" he said.

"Right oh! 'Enery," came the answer. "It worked a treat. Now you do it fer a bit o' bacon, and then we can have lunch."

Film Fever

Nurse: "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?"

Guy: "Yes, nurse; to the pictures."

The Druggist's Turn

The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.

"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?"

"No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?"

"Yes, but what—"

"Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come in to have a prescription filled."

Wrong Brother

A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.

Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.

Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an ordinary tone to the other:

"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"

"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."

A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse—in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do." Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"

Doctor: "You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followed my directions, and that prescription did the business—what, you haven't taken any of it?"

Patient: "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked.'"

"And about the salary?" said the movie star.

"Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week."

"All right."

"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call it—you will get $500."

Prospective Employer: I suppose you have some experience of live stock?

Applicant for Post: Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milked cows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canaries.

A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road. Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his leg.

"Oh, Lord," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"

Mr. Graham: "Do you know, Miss F., if I had my way, I'd put every woman in jail!"

Miss F.: "Why, Mr. Graham, I'm surprised. I didn't know you felt that way about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if you put all the women in jail?"

Mr. Graham: "Stag-nation, of course!"

Guilty

Sister: "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him of something I did before we were married."

Brother: "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."

Sister: "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don't know what to confess."

"I'd like to see the man who could persuade me to promise to love, honour and obey him," said Miss Wellontheway.

"I don't blame you," remarked the newly-made bride.

"Huh! Yuh talks 'bout sassiety like yuh knows so much 'bout it. Niggah, I bet dey don' eben have evenin' dresses whah yuh come frum."

"Zat so? Dey's doin' well to have evenin's whah yuh come frum."

Second-story Worker: "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. What did it cost you?"

Burglar: "Six months. I never wears cheap clothes!"

The sweet young thing was being shown through the boiler shop.

"What's that thing?" she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol.

"That's an engine boiler," said the guide.

"And why do they boil engines?" she inquired.

"To make the engine tender," replied the resourceful guide.

He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his race. Wishing to know his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the girl of his choice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received the affirmative answer late at night.

"Well, if I were you," said the operator, "I'd think twice before I married the girl who kept me waiting for an answer so long."

"Na, Na?" said the Scot. "The girl for me is the girl who waits for the night rates."

Too Enthusiastic

Wifey: "Henry, do you think me an angel?"

Hubby: "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think all women are angels!"

"You needn't be so enthusiastic as all that!"

Bad Both Ways

Dobb: "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"

Botham: "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter."

"And did you post it?"

"No; she forgot to give it to me!"

His Little Mistake

A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called round on each of his flock, and the first place he called at was the village butcher's.

"Well, Mr. Simson," he said, "how did you like that little book I gave you the other day?"

Simson was rather taken aback at the query, for, truth to tell, the little book still remained in its brown paper wrapping somewhere under the counter.

"Splendid!" lied Simson bravely, "but," he added, in a burst of confidence, "it ended like they all end."

"Oh!" exclaimed the vicar, "in what way?"

And Simson, thinking he was on safe ground, replied, "Why, they lived happy ever after."

"Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is a poem."

"What do you mean, poem?" replied the struggling author. "That gown is two poems and a short story."

Tough on the Senator

The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked the minister about some of his old acquaintances.

"How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him to-day?"

"You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "He has gone to heaven."

Redeeming Trait

"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me."

"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.

"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit."

"You dear old thing. Of course I'll marry you. And we'll have our honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won't we?"

OFF

There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he penned the following note:

"Dear Miss Brown,—I return herewith your kind note in which you accept my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it begins 'Dear George.' I do not know who George is, but my name, as you will remember, is Thomas."

Not a Father

A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys.

"Good morning, Father," said one of the boys.

"Hush, he ain't no father," said the other, "he's got a wife and two kids."

Wedding Declared Off

John Willie (pleadingly): "Why can't we be married right away, Elsie?"

Elsie (coyly): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alone just now."

John Willie (earnestly): "But, my darling, he has had you such a very long time."

Elsie (freezingly): "Sir!"

Perhaps!

"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he was engaged to marry.

"Of course I am," was the laughing response; "haven't I got a quack?"

A Northern man in an optician's shop in Nashville overheard an amusing conversation between the proprietor of the establishment and an aged darkey who was just leaving the place with a pair of new spectacles. As the old fellow neared the door his eye lighted upon an extraordinary-looking instrument conspicuously placed upon a counter. The venerable negro paused for several moments to gaze in open-mouthed wonder at this thing, the like of which he had never seen before. After a long struggle with his curiosity he was vanquished. Turning to the optician, he asked: "What is it, boss?" "That is an opthalmometer," replied the optician in his gravest manner. "Sho," muttered the old man to himself, as he backed out of the door, his eyes still fastened upon the curious-looking thing on the counter. "Sho, dat's what I was afeared it was!"

In many of the rural districts of the United States where money does not circulate with great rapidity services are paid for "in kind." Farmers, for example, will give potatoes, eggs, etc., in payment for debts. A young surgeon who had occasion to operate in one of these districts hopefully approached the husband of the patient and asked for his fee, which amounted to $100. "Doc," said the old man, "I haven't much ready cash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind." "Well, I guess that will be all right," replied the young doctor, cheerfully. "What do you deal in?" "Horseradish, doc," answered the old man.

The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent storm arose. The ferryman and his mate, both Highlanders, held a consultation, and after a short debate the ferryman turned to his passengers and remarked, anxiously: "We'll just tak' your tuppences now, for we dinna ken what micht come over us."

No Doubt

"Lend me ten, Tom."

"I think not."

"You won't?"

"I won't."

"You've no doubt of my character, have you?"

"I haven't."

"Well, why won't you, then?"

"Because I have no doubt of your character."

Officer (drilling recruits): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do you do?

Recruit: I yell.

Officer: Yell what?

Recruit: Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.

Doctor (at door, to butler): Tell your master the doctor is here.

Butler: The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving nobody.

Young Woman (holding out hand): Will you please tell me how to pronounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise or turkwoise?

Jeweler (after inspecting it): The correct pronunciation is "glass."

Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime for several nights. He didn't like it, and growled to his boss: "You've kept me workin' every night till 9 o'clock for three nights runnin' now, and I'm worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain't no machine. I can't go forever." His boss gave a hard laugh. "Wrong!" he said. "Wrong, my boy. You go forever next pay day."

The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system of calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud tattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I've got a message for you, sir." Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a slip of paper bearing the words: "It's time to get up."

A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected of stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The following dialogue took place:

"You've stolen no chickens?"

"No, sah."

"Have you stolen any geese?"

"No, sah."

"Any turkeys?"

"No, sah."

The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped before the justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo' de Lawd, squire, if you'd said ducks you'd 'a' had me."

A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see his married sister's new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents of the baby's basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn't she rather young for that sort of thing?"

The Alleged Humorists

"I can read my husband like a book."

"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."

"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss."

"What did she say?"

"Will that be all?"

No Kick Coming

Merchant: Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of its contents.

Agent: Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar?

No Nonsense About It

The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he remarked in cheering tones:

"Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that's the way in the world."

"I shall never smile again," replied the youth, sadly.

"Nonsense!" ejaculated the vicar.

"There ain't no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It's through smiling at another chap's girl that I'm here now."

Too True

Screen Actress: I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I cannot act to-day.

Manager: Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a certificate saying that you never could act.

Conservative

He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty in getting what he wanted.

A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.

"No, no! Square toes—must have square toes," he insisted.

"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are fashionable this season."

"I'm sorry," said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to leave the shop. "I'm very sorry to have troubled you, I'm sure. But, you see, I'm still wearing my last season's feet!"

He Had Heard of Them

It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour." Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of the Himalayas?"

"Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and George Washington."

Mr. Goodsole: "Well, what do you want?"

Benny the Bum: "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off'n you? I find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an' I'll harfta warn the traffic to drive aroun' me."

What Did He Mean?

A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he reported:

"Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary."

"Well," said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date to pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"

"Vell, aye tank so," said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day ven you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary."

True to Life

Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his "picter" Ian MacPherson came along.

"What's that ye hev there?" he asked.

"My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o' it?"

"Man, it's fine!" exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. "It's just like ye, tae. An' whit micht the like o' they cost?"

"I dinna' ken," replied Sandy. "I hinna' paid yet."

"Mon," said Ian, more firmly than ever. "It's awful like ye."

What He Preferred

"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.

"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was owed; "I prefer the cash!"

"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"

"A spade."

"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."

During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor, and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have a zero on this examination."

"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower than that."

The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who was tinkering with the pipes.

"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.

"Been in the trade long?"

"'Bout a year, guv'nor."

"Ever made any mistakes?"

"Bless yer, no, guv'nor."

"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire."

A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile: "I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to——"

"Out with you," interrupted the man.

"Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles?"

"I should say not!"

"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale," the boy continued.

Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically inquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a thimble?"

Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use it for a hat."

The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done intentionally.

"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."

"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."

Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."

Blood Relations

Actor: "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"

Fulpurse: "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."

There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and a cab.

The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: "Oh, well, you can't help it! You're doin' yer bit, you an' yer 'orse and yer blankety cabs all over age!"

"You're doin' yer bit, too, ain't yer?" was the cabby's rejoinder, "a'carrying of two lots o' wood—one in yer cart an' the other under yer blinkin' 'at!"

Scotched!

A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,

"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."

"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."

The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's as much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."

"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for all the parritch I have."

The Brute!

Mrs. Newlywed: "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave me, Archie?"

Mr. Newlywed: "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!"

Mrs. Newlywed: "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first."

The Whole Truth

Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss.

"Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?"

"Ay," answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' want tae see ye."

The Consumer Inflamed

"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy.

"Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely.

"Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy.

How He Did It

First Theatrical Manager: "Do you have any trouble with the girl who is playing the flapper in your new show?"

Second Theatrical Manager: "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenants in the army."

Reality

A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon.

"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser.

"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the baby; our nurse is ill."

"That's no excuse," said the pastor.

"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see how you like it."

Pure Carelessness

It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.

"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults."

"I have that, mum," replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believe me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves."

A Level-Headed Car

Irate Motorist: "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it was a fine machine!"

Dealer: "I said: 'On the level it's a good car.'"

Suspicious

It was while on manœuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.

"Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird? Will you swear to him?"

"No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the man I suspect o' doing it."

"That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably nettled. "What raised your suspicions?"

"Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way—I see 'im on my property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im putting the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the bird committed suicide."

A Wonder!

"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.

"That so?" asked Smith.

"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and not have a solitary symptom of some disease."

In a Fix

Mrs. Muggins: "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her have yours?"

Mr. Muggins: "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband's name on the handle."

Sucked!

It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the picture palace.

On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; it's so rude when people are about!"

"Don't thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It's my rubber 'eel pads that's causing that noise!"

Half and Half

Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.

Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of withering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up."

The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma'am, if ye was half a woman I would!"

Revenge Is Sweet

"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house doctor was a base hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the pages were cadets."

"And have you any former military police?" he was asked.

"Yes," he replied joyously. "When there's a good stiff wind blowing we set them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!"

No Effect

"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?"

"I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at me and drove on."

A Future Financier

"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!"

"I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly. "You're a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn't have her think I even mentioned her. Here's an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little lad!"

"I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her that what you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!"

A Bad Case

"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"

"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he had sat up over an hour trying to think."

"And did he finally remember it?"

"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early."

Black Superstition

Architect: "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"

Quickrich: "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown study."

Half a Duck Deep

Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.

"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.

When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I thought you said it wasn't deep?"

"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to their middles!"

Couldn't Resist It

"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef for sale?"

"I have," responded the butcher.

"And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?"

"It is."

"Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef. Do you think you can sell me a pound or so without asking how I got ornamented?"

"I'll do my best, sir."

The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money without another look at his customer. At the last moment, however, the old Adam proved too strong for him.

"Look here," he said, handing back the cash, "I'll make you a present of the beef. Now tell me all about the fight."

"Do you know anything about palmistry, Herbert?" she asked.

"Oh, not much," he answered, "although I had an experience last night which might be considered a remarkable example of palmistry. I happened to glance at the hand of a friend, and I immediately predicted he would presently become the possessor of a considerable amount of money. Before he left the room he had a nice little sum handed to him."

"And you foretold that from his hand?"

"Yes, it had four aces in it."

Young Harold was late for Sunday-school and the minister inquired the cause. "I was going fishing, but father wouldn't let me," announced the lad.

"That's the right kind of a father to have," replied the reverend gentleman. "Did he explain the reason why he would not let you go?"

"Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough for two."

"My good man, you had better take the trolley car home."

"Sh' no ushe! My wife wouldn't let me—hic—keep it in th' house."

Mrs. Newlywed: "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open and the draught has shut my cookery book, so that now I haven't the faintest idea what it is I'm cooking."

"Goin' in that house over there?" said the first tramp.

"I tried that house last week. I ain't goin' there any more," replied Tramp No. 2.

"'Fraid on account of the dog?"

"Me trousers are."

"Trousers are what?"

"Frayed on account of the dog."

A Question of Locality

"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see him reaching for the strap?"

"Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home."

Her Soft Answer

They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby exclaimed:

"What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is cold?"

"Why," replied his wife, "I should make it hot for you!"

He Was Wrong

Prison Visitor: "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for strong drink that brought you here?"

Prisoner: "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to drink."

Opening Father's Eyes

"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?"

"Of course I can," answered his proud parent.

"Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now, for instance, you see the steam coming out of that kettle, but you don't know why, or for what reason it does so, and——"

"Oh! but I do, papa," chirped little Horatio knowingly. "The reason the steam comes out of the kettle is so that ma can open your letters without you knowing it."

Nice

She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she was getting on.

"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque."

"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put in equal sums?"

"Oh! I don't put in anything," was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, and I draw it out!"

Not Needed

O'Grady: "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?"

Pat: "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?"

She Could Use Him

"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at hard labour."

"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court room, "will yo' Honah jes' split dat sentence? Don't send him away from home, but let dat hard labour stand."

Declined with Thanks

Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking matters over, Brown decided to reform.

After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited until four o'clock before he called him for breakfast.

"Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat."

"Thanks very much," said the new hand, "but I never eat anything just before going to sleep."

Managing the Managers

This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks—

"He's given me such a fearful telling-off," said one; "just because I couldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who.'"

"Pooh! Don't cry, you little silly. You've got to manage him. When you've been here six weeks, like I have, you'll jolly well tell him to buy a copy of 'Where's Which,' and find his old 'Who's Who' himself!"

A Great Light

The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who wanted to be a gunner's mate.

"How much does a six-pound shell weigh?" he asked.

"I don't know," the gob confessed.

"Well, what time does the twelve o'clock train leave?"

"Twelve o'clock."

"All right, then, how much does a six-pound shell weigh?"

"Ah," said the youthful mariner, a great light dawning on him. "Twelve pounds."

The two flappers at the Strand seemed barely in their 'teens, yet their conversation stamped them as seasoned film fans. They were discussing titles of pictures in general, and the tiny blonde expressed regret that the recent German importations had had their titles changed for American consumption. "If they had only called that picture 'Du Barry' instead of 'Passion,' think what a hit it would have made!"

Her bobbed-hair companion tossed her head and scoffed: "Don't you believe it. There's millions of folks never heard of Du Barry, but every one knows about passion."

"We will take as our text this morning," announced the absent-minded clergyman, consulting his memorandum, "the sixth and seventh verses of the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs." Never suspecting that his vivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on the previous night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermon celebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, had diabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a very different text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and read aloud these words of Solomon: "Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more."

"You don't mean to say it cost you $7000 to have your family tree looked up?"

"No; $2000 to have it looked up and $5000 to have it hushed up."

The Aristocrat (returning to school): My ancestors came over with William the Conqueror.

The New Girl: That's nothing! My father came over in the same boat with Mary Pickford!

It was Judgment Day, and throngs of people were crowding around the Pearly Gates trying to convince St. Peter that they were entitled to enter Heaven. To the first applicant St. Peter said, "What kind of a car do you own?"

"A Packard," was the reply.

"All right," said St. Peter, "you go over there with the Presbyterians."

The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and was told to stand over with the Congregationalists. Behind him was the owner of a Dodge, who was ordered to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek little individual came along.

"What kind of a car do you own?" was the question.

"A Ford," was the answer.

"You just think you own a car. You go over there with the Christian Scientists."

The Housewife: My goodness! I don't believe you've washed yourself for a year.

The Hobo: Just about that. You see, I only washes before I eats.

The Professor: A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as it will cut glass.

The Cynic: Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression on a woman's heart.

Boss: What do you mean by such language? Are you the manager here or am I?

Jones: I know I'm not the manager.

The Boss: Very well, then, if you're not the manager, why do you talk like a blamed idiot?

"Pa, what's an actor?"

"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a number of bored stage hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, and exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!"'

"Is she making a rich marriage?"

"I should hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has been arrested three times for profiteering."

Sandy Scored

A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:

"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight, like me?"

"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"

"I do," said the laird.

"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an' that the empty yins stand up."

With a Reservation

"Miss Smith—Belinda," sighed the young man, passionately, "there is something I want to tell you—something that I——"

"What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with a bored expression on her face.

The young man drew a long breath, and his face turned to dull purple. "It is a question which is very near to any heart," he said awkwardly. "Could you—do you think you could ever marry a man like me?"

"Oh, yes," replied Belinda, quite calmly, "that is, if he wasn't too much like you!"

Too Smart

A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some "welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three watches, marked respectively £5, £4, and £3 10s., and laid them in a row on the counter.

The Chink, after looking very closely at them, called the attention of the Jewess to a watch on a shelf behind her; as she turned to obtain the watch he placed the higher-priced watch, in the place of the lower-priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown him, said: "Me no likee that; I takee cheapee watch," paid £3 10s., and departed.

Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her father on his return.

"Never mind, my tear," said he, with a smile; "dose vatches cost all de same brice—two pound; but vat a scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!"

Old Enough to Know That

"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher.

"No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls.

"What flowers are not popular?"

"Wall-flowers, ma'am."

Native Born

"He hit me on de koko, yer honour."

"Your head?"

"Yes, yer honour."

"Why don't you speak the English language?"

"I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life."

The Jonah

"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story teaches."

"Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches that you can't keep a good man down."

The Substitute

A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table if he could have some poached eggs.

"We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon."

Might Have Been Worse

The maiden of, er—forty or so, was much upset.

Quoth she to a younger friend:

"Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid."

"That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend.

"Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?"

"It certainly was rude," agreed the other. "Still, it's better than having her tell lies about you."

Good or Bad Turn?

"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"

"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make one think there's something wrong with it."

"What does it say, then?"

"Why, he said I was one of the best men his firm had ever turned out."

Talking Sense

"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancée closer to him, "am I the first man you have ever kissed?"

"William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go any further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt, fully aware that my father is a millionaire something like ten times over, aren't you?"

"Y-yes."

"You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of his vast fortune will be left to me?"

"Y-yes."

"You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars in cash in my name at the bank?"

"Y-yes."

"And own two and a half million dollars' worth of property?"

"Y-yes."

"That my diamonds are insured to the value of a quarter of a million dollars?"

"Y-yes."

"My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five thousand dollars?"

"Y-yes."

"Then, for goodness' sake, talk sense! What difference would it make to you if I had been kissed by a thousand men before I met you?"

A Magic Healer

During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped into the doctor's to have them attended to.

"Doctor," he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, will I be able to play the piano?"

"Certainly you will," the doctor assured him.

"Then you're a wonder, doctor. I never could before."

She Took Them

"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman. "They seem rather indistinct."

"But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your face is not at all plain."

But He's on His Way

Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him.

"What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked.

"Suh?"

"I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?"

Uncle Tom searched carefully for the tag. A bit of frayed cord was all that remained.

"Dat ornery goat!" he exploded wrathfully. "Yo' know, suh, dat iggorant goat done completely et up his destination."

Her Match

Tommy: "What's an echo, pa?"

Pa: "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word."

"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded the boss angrily.

"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one; "you kept telling me not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't watch it at home either."

Scientific Proof

One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and said:

"Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke."

Bolshie Tubthumper: Yaas, there didn't ought to be no poor. We all ought to be wealthy, and the wealthy starvin' like us!

Sunday School Teacher: Now, Alfred, if you are always kind and polite to your playmates, what will be the result?

Alfred: They'll think they can lick me!

A Natural Picture

A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together, and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."

"H'm," said the father, "it would make a more natural picture if he put it in my pocket."

Nothing to Smile at

A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men.

An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, apparently took not the smallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietly reading his paper. This exasperated the story-teller, until at last he said: "I think it would take an inch auger to put a joke into a Scotsman's head."

A voice from behind the paper replied: "Ay, man, but it wid need tae hae a finer point than ony o' yer stories, a'm thinking!"

Drew Blank

The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money.

So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfully upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung about for a day and a half outside the local doctor's establishment. Finally he managed to catch the great man.

"Say, doctor! Hoo's beez-ness wi' ye the noo?"

"Oh, feyr, feyr!"

"A s'pose ye've a deal o' prescribin' tae dae fer coolds an' sair throats?"

"Ay!"

"An' what dae ye gin'rally gie fer a sair throat?"

"Naethin'," replied the canny old doctor, "I dinna' want a sair throat."

A Friend in Need

What true friendship consists in depends on the temperament of the man who has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, who died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist was much affected.

"You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?" some one asked him.

"Thought a great deal of him? I should think I did. There was a true friend. He never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew well enough he was starving to death."

What He Preferred

He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished the odd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appeared at the back door.

"How much is it, uncle?" he was asked.

"Yo' say how much? Jest whatever yo' say, missus."

"Oh, but I would rather you'd say how much," the lady of the house replied.

"Yas, ma'am! But, ma'am, Ah'd rather hab de seventy-five cents yo 'would gimme dan de fifty cents Ah'd charge yo'."

Ready to Join

Minister: Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement?

Miss Ala Mode: I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot?

Helpful Pa!

He: Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the future?

She: Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of next week.

"Daughter," said the old man, sternly, "I positively forbid you marrying this young scapegrace! He is an inveterate poker player!"

"But, papa," tearfully protested Alicia Hortense, "poker playing is not such an awful habit. Why, at your own club——"

"That's where I got my information, daughter. I'll have no daughter of mine bringing home a man that I can't beat with a flush, a full house, and fours."

"I think, Lucille, I'll take one of the children to the park with me. Which one do you think would go best with this dress?"

He Knew

Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie," said Mr. Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed."

"Don't want to be washed," came the reply.

"But," said mother, "you don't want to be a dirty boy, do you? I want my little boy to have a nice, clean face for the ladies to kiss."

Upon this persuasion he gave way, and was washed. A few minutes later he stood watching his father washing. "Ha, ha, daddy!" he cried, "I know why you're washing!"

They Wilt

"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work.

"Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. "You have only to say 'Wilt thou?' and they wilt."

Not Strong Enough

Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt. Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake.

"Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully nice."

"Muriel, dear," corrected her governess, "it is wrong to say you 'love' cake, and I've frequently pointed out that 'just' is wrongly used in such a sentence. Again, 'awfully' is quite wrong, 'very' would be more correct, dear. Now repeat your remark, please."

Muriel obediently repeated: "I like chocolate cake; it is very good."

"That's better, dear," said the governess, approvingly.

"But it sounds as if I was talking about bread," protested the little girl.

Why He Picked Pictish

An English mother was visiting her son at college.

"Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?"

"I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied.

"Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?"

"Only five words of it remain," he said.

Played Them Both Up

A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the appearance of the hoop's owner. He arrived.

"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and father's come to mend it."

Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work, while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man said:

"That'll be three shillings, mum."

"Three shillings!" gasped the woman. "But your son broke it. The little fellow with the hoop. You're his father, aren't you?"

The man shook his head.

"Never seen him before," he said. "He came round to my place and said his mother wanted her window mended. You're his mother, aren't you?"

And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her.

Justice at Last

It was the usual domestic storm.

"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor mother's advice, and never married you!"

Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last found voice.

"Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?" he demanded.

Wifey nodded violently.

A look of deep remorse crossed hubby's face.

"Great Scott," he cried, in broken tones, "how I wronged that woman!"

In Order to Be Filled

Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The one inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the air, struck the other a resounding blow on the head.

As soon as the victim had recovered from his momentary daze he walked over to the edge of the bin and, peering down at his mate, said:

"Nigger, how come you don't watch where you throws dat coal? You done hit me smack on de haid."

The other one looked surprised.

"Did I hit you?"

"You sho' did," came the answer. "And I jes' wants to tell you, I've been promising the debil a man a long time, and you certainly does resemble my promise."

"And would you love me as much if father lost all his money?"

"Has he?"

"Why, no."

"Of course I would, darling."

"Why do you object to children in your apartment house?"

"As a matter of kindness. People who are raising families can't be expected to pay the rentals I require."

Caustic

A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds himself rather short of cash just now. His account was £60 over drawn, and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to suggest that he had better bring it down a bit or clear it altogether.

"Oh, aye," replied the pawky one. "I'm £60 short am I? Will ye just look up an' tell me hoo my account stood in June?"

"Oh," the banker said, "you were all right then; you had £250 to your credit."

"Aye, an' did I ring you up in June?" was the caustic rejoinder.

The newly-elected president of a banking institution was being introduced to the employees. He singled out one of the men in the cashier's cage, questioning him in detail about his work, etc. "I have been here forty years," said the cashier's assistant, with conscious pride, "and in all that time I only made one slight mistake."

"Good," replied the president. "Let me congratulate you. But hereafter be more careful."

First Sailor (searching vainly for his ship after a few hours' leave): "But she was 'ere when we went ashore, wasn't she?"

Second Sailor: "It's them blokes at Washington. They've started scrappin' the fleet, an' begun on us."

Not Worth Much

The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolate region of the far South. "I suppose," he remarked to a native onlooker, "that even in these isolated parts the bare necessities of life have risen tremendously in price?"

"Y'er right, stranger," replied the native, "and it ain't worth drinkin' when ye get it."

Nothing to Fear

Irate Golfer: "You must take your children away from here, madam; this is no place for them."

Mother: "Now don't you worry—they can't 'ear nothin' new—their father was a sergeant-major, 'e was!"

Misled

The Client: "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they were empty."

The Lawyer: "Well, what do you expect?"

The Client: "Full of booze. Isn't that what f. o. b. means?"

During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman asked how it was that the Jews were so wise.

"Because," said the Jew, "we eat a certain kind of fish;" and he offered to sell one for ten dollars.

After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit into it, then exclaimed: "Why, this is only a smoked herring."

"See?" said the Jew. "You are getting wise already."

"Yes," said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. I shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have $5000 with her." The young man reflected a moment and then asked, "You haven't one about fifty, have you?"

"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I told you, when they called?"

"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an' shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."

"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"

"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."

"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."

"Would you marry a man to reform him?"

"What does he do?"

"He drinks."

"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in our set."

"I would like to have a globe of the earth."

"What size, madam?"

"Life-size, of course."

Wife: "George, is that you?"

George: "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"

She (tenderly): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"

He: "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."

Jazz: "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."

Beau: "Stripped?"

Jazz: "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."

Mrs. Newlywed (on her first day's shopping): "I want two pieces of steak and—and about half a pint of gravy."

Farmer: "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"

Tourist: "Well—er—is it ambitious and willing to work?"

Papa: "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last night?"

Daughter: "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."

"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."

"Then why didn't you marry him?"

"I met him again so often."

Interviewer: "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"

Stage Manager: "Those who have the most to show, of course."

She: "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"

He: "Er—er—nothing."

She: "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me unless he means business, d'ye hear?"

Foreman: "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to your one?"

Laborer: "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."

Lady (in box): "Can you look over my shoulders?"

Sailor: "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they are great."

"How times have changed!"

"Yes?"

"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."

Sailor Bill: "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light canvas."

Sailor Dan: "Yes—you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."

Tramp: "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"

"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."

"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."

A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompanied by his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence.

"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably.

The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity to the salesman's ear, replied:

"Ef youse mean de li'l gal with blue eyes an' fluffy hair, she doan' wo'k heah no mo'."

"Do you really believe in heredity?"

"Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money."

An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur. Some twenty-odd responded and were being questioned as to qualifications, efficiency, and whether married or single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, he said:

"How about you, George, are you married?"

Quickly the negro responded: "Naw-sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah own livin'."

A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at the hippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you ever saw?"

"Bill," said his ma, "didn't I tell you never to say 'ain't.'"

"Vell, Ikey, my poy," said Sol to his son, "I've made my vill and left it all to you."

"That's very good of you, father," remarked Ike, eyeing him suspiciously. "But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer and fees and things!"

"Vell?" said Ike more suspiciously. "Vell, it ain't fair I should pay all dot, is it? So I'll shust take it off from your next month's salary."

Mr. McNab (after having his lease read over to him): "I will not sign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in the High Street."

"Come, Dorothy," said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on the bed and hurry or we shall be late."

"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of a muvver."

"You say you doted on your last mistress?"

"Yes, mum. I certainly did."

"Then why did you leave her?"

"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum."

"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or something?"

"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him."

"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"

"Only wunst."

"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"

"No'm; he should have said twict."

"It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that you have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing."

"I guess that's right, your honor," answered Mary. "No woman is perfect."

"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important business and I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me."

"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? And John, dear——"

"Yes; what is it?"

"Please don't draw to any inside straights."

The City Nephew: "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears."

Uncle Talltimber: "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with the telephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on over our twenty-party line."

"Ethel," said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can you repeat a verse from the Bible?"

"I'll say I can."

"Well, my dear, let us have it."

"The Lord is my shepherd—I should worry."

Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London, and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."

An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He showed his visitor the moon through a telescope and asked him what he thought of the satellite.

"It's a' richt," replied the Scot, who was an enthusiastic golfer, "but it's awfu' fu' o' bunkers."

"What are you doing, Marjory?"

"I'se writing a letter to Lily Smif."

"But, darling, you don't know how to write."

"That's no diff'ence, mamma; Lily don't know how to read."

"What sort of an appearing man is he?"

"Little dried-up feller," replied the gaunt Missourian, "that looks like he always ett at the second table."

"Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?"

"Don't tell me she has lost her voice."

"No, her husband has lost his hearing."

Two darky boys in a Southern city met on the street, each wearing a new suit. One asked:

"Nigger, how much do they set you back for dem clo's?"

"Fo'ty dollahs," was the response.

"Fo'ty dollahs?"

"Yes, sah; fo'ty dollahs."

"Look at me," said the first. "I'se got on a suit w'at's mos' perzactly like yourn, and I don't pay but ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shore flimflammed you."

The possessor of the forty-dollar suit took hold of one of the coat sleeves of the ten-dollar suit and pulled on it. It stretched. Then straightening up he said:

"See here, boy, the fust big rain yo' gets ketched out in dat coat of yourn is gwine to say, 'Good-by, nigger, f'om now on I'se gwine to be yo' vest.'"

"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"

"How old are you now?"

"Forty."

"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"

"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven't any vices."

"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"

"I say, Madge, it's bitterly cold. Hadn't you better put something on your chest?"

"Don't worry, old thing. I've powdered it three times."

Father: "Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girl robbed you of every cent you had."

Son: "Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for picking them clever."