As regards the Management of a Wife

There are three things to be maintained and three things to be avoided.

Of the three things to be maintained:—

1. Dignity.—The husband should constantly preserve a dignified bearing towards her, that she may forbear to slight his commands and prohibitions. This is the primary means of government, and it may be effected by the display of his merits and the concealment of his defects.

2. Complaisance.—He is to comply with his wife as far as to assure her of his affection and confidence; otherwise, in the idea of having lost it, she will proceed to set herself in opposition to his will. And this withal, he is to be particular in veiling and secluding her from all persons not of the ḥarīm, in conversing with her in conciliatory terms, and consulting her at the outset of matters in such a manner as to ensure her consent. (Observe the seclusion and veiling is here put as a compliment rather than a restraint.)

3. Towards her friends and connections he is to follow the course of deference, politeness, cordiality, and fair dealing, and never, except on proof of her depravity, to take any wife besides her, however superior in family, property and person. For that jealousy and acrimony which, as well as weakness of judgment, is implanted in the nature of women, incites them to misconduct and vice. Excepting, indeed, in the case of kings, who marry to multiply offspring, and to whom the wife has no alternative but obedience, plurality of wives is not defensible. Even in the case of kings, it would be better to be cautious; for husband and wife are like heart and body, and like as one heart cannot supply life to two bodies, one man cannot properly provide for two wives or divide his affection equally between them.

The wife should be empowered to dispose of provisions as occasion may require, and to prescribe to the domestics the duties they are to perform. In order that idleness may not lead her into wrong, her mind should be kept constantly engaged in the transaction of domestic affairs and the superintendence of family interests.

As to the three things to be avoided in a husband towards his wife:—

1. Excess of affection, for this gives her the predominance and leads to a state of perversion. When the power is overpowered and the commander commanded, all regularity must infallibly be destroyed. If troubled with redundance of affection, let him at least conceal it from her.

2. Let him not consult her on matters of paramount importance; let him not make her acquainted with his secrets, nor let her know the amount of his property, or the stores he possesses, beyond those in present consumption, or her weakness of judgment will infallibly set things wrong.

3. Let him allow her no musical instruments, no visiting out of doors, no listening to men’s stories, nor intercourse with women noted for such practices; especially where any previous suspicion has been raised.

The particulars which wives should abide by are five:—

1. To adhere to chastity.

2. To wear contented demeanour.

3. To consider their husband’s dignity and treat them with respect.

4. To submit to their husband’s directions.

5. To humour their husbands in their moments of merriment and not to disturb them by captious remarks.

“The Refuge of Revelation (Muḥammad) declared that if the worship of one created thing could be permitted to another, he would have enjoined the worship of husbands. Philosophers have said, ‘A good wife is as a mother for affection and tenderness; as a slave-girl for content and attention; as a friend for concord and sincerity. Whilst, on the other hand, a bad wife is as a rebel for unruliness and contumacy; as a foe for contemptuousness and reproach; and as a thief for treacherous designs upon her husband’s purse.’”

The Arab philosophers also say there are five sorts of wives to be avoided: the yearners, the favourers, the deplorers, the backbiters, and the toadstools. The yearner is a widow who has had a child by a former husband, and who will indulge her child out of the property of her present one. The favourer is a woman of property who makes a favour of bestowing it upon her husband. The deplorer is one who is the widow of a former husband whom she will ever aver to be better than her present one. The backbiter is one invested with the robe of continence, and who will ever and anon in his absence brand his blind side by speaking of his faults. The toadstool is an unprincipled beauty, who is like vegetation springing up to corruption. (See Ak͟hlāq-i-Jalālī, Thompson’s ed., p. 263.)

Mr. Lane, in his Modern Egyptians, remarks:—

“Polygamy, which is also attended with very injurious effects upon the morals of the husband and the wives, and only to be defended because it serves to prevent a greater immorality than it occasions, is more rare among the higher and middle classes than it is among the lower orders; and it is not very common among the latter. A poor man may indulge himself with two or more wives, each of whom may be able, by some art or occupation, nearly to provide her own subsistence; but most persons of the middle and higher orders are deterred from doing so by the consideration of the expense and discomfort which they would incur. A man having a wife who has the misfortune to be barren, and being too much attached to her to divorce her, is sometimes induced to take a second wife, merely in the hope of obtaining offspring; and from the same motive, he may take a third, and a fourth; but fickle passion is the most evident and common motive both to polygamy and repeated divorces. They are comparatively very few who gratify this passion by the former practice. I believe that not more than one husband among twenty has two wives.

“When there are two or more wives belonging to one man, the first (that is, the one first married) generally enjoys the highest rank; and is called ‘the great lady.’ Hence it often happens that, when a man who has already one wife wishes to marry another girl or woman, the father of the latter, or the female herself who is sought in marriage, will not consent to the union unless the first wife be previously divorced. The women, of course, do not approve of a man’s marrying more than one wife. Most men of wealth, or of moderate circumstances, and even many men of the lower orders, if they have two or more wives, have, for each, a separate house.”

Mrs. Meer Hassan Ali, an Englishwoman who spent twelve years in a Muḥammadan zanānah at Lucknow, and who in 1832 published her Observations on the Musalmans of India, says:—

“Although he (the Muslim) may be the husband of many wives in the course of time, and some of them prove greater favourites, yet the first wife takes precedence in all matters were dignity is to be preserved. And when several wives meet (each have separate habitations if possible), all the rest pay to the first wife that deference which superiority exacts from inferiors; not only do the secondary wives pay this respect to the first, but the whole circle of relations and friends make the same distinction, as a matter of course; for the first wife takes precedence in every way.

“The latitude allowed by the law preserves the many-wived Musalman from the world’s censure; and his conscience rests unaccused when he adds to his numbers, if he cannot reproach himself with having neglected or unkindly treated any of the number bound to him, or their children. But the privilege is not always indulged in by the Musalmans; much depends upon circumstances, and more on the man’s disposition. If it be the happy lot of a kind-hearted, good man to be married to a woman of assimilating mind, possessing the needful requirements to render home agreeable, and a prospect of an increasing family, then the husband has no motive to draw him into further engagements, and he is satisfied with one wife. Many such men I have known in Hindustan, particularly among the Sayyuds and religious characters, who deem a plurality of wives a plague to the possessors in proportion to their numbers.”

There is a curious work published in Persian, entitled Kitábi Kulsúm Naneh, in which are given the maxims regarding wives as they are supposed to exist in Persia. It pretends to be a grave work, compiled under the direction of seven matron law-givers, but is really a specimen of Persian humour, a jeu d’esprit, founded upon female customs and superstitions. The work is of little worth as regards its legal value, but shows the popular views of Persian women regarding their own and the opposite sex. The chapter relating to “The Conduct of the Wife to her Husband, Mother-in-Law, and other Relations,” is a fair specimen of its character.

“That man is to be praised who confines himself to one wife; for if he takes two it is wrong, and he will certainly repent of his folly. Thus say the seven wise women—

Be that man’s life immersed in gloom
Who weds more wives than one,
With one his cheeks retain their bloom,
His voice a cheerful tone;
These speak his honest heart at rest,
And he and she are always blest;
But when with two he seeks for joy,
Together they his soul annoy;
With two no sun-beam of delight
Can make his day of misery bright.

“That man, too, must possess an excellent disposition, who never fails to comply with his wife’s wishes, since the hearts of women are gentle and tender, and harshness to them would be cruel. If he be angry with her, so great is her sensibility, that she loses her health and becomes weak and delicate. A wife, indeed, is the mirror of her husband, and reflects his character; her joyous and agreeable looks being the best proofs of his temper and goodness of heart. She never of herself departs from the right path, and the colour of her cheeks is like the full-blown rose; but if her husband is continually angry with her, her colour fades, and her complexion becomes yellow as saffron. He should give her money without limit: God forbid that she should die of sorrow and disappointment! in which case her blood would be upon the head of her husband.

“The learned conclave are unanimous in declaring that many instances have occurred of women dying from the barbarous cruelty of their husbands in this respect; and if the husband be even a day-labourer, and he does not give his wages to his wife, she will claim them on the Day of Judgment. It is incumbent on the husband to bestow on the wife a daily allowance in cash, and he must also allow her every expense of feasting, and of excursions, and the bath, and every other kind of recreation. If he has not generosity and pride enough to do this, he will assuredly be punished for all his sins and omissions on the Day of Resurrection. And whenever he goes to the market, he must buy fruit and other little things, and put them in his handkerchief, and take them to his wife, to shew his affection for her, and to please her heart. And if she wishes to undertake a little journey, to go to the house of her friends for a month, to attend the baths, or enjoy any other pastime, it is not fit for the husband to deny those wishes, and distress her mind by refusal. And when she resolves upon giving an entertainment, it is wájib that he should anticipate what she wants, and bring to her all kinds of presents, and food, and wine, required on the festive occasion. And in entertaining her guests, and mixing among them, and doing all that hospitality and cordial friendship demand, she is not to be interrupted or interfered with by her husband saying, ‘What have you done? where have you been?’ And if her female guests choose to remain all night, they must be allowed to sleep in the woman’s room, while the husband sleeps apart and alone. The learned conclave unanimously declare that the woman who possesses such a husband—a man so accommodating and obedient, is truly fortunate; but if he happens to be of an opposite character, morose, disobliging, and irritable, then indeed must she be the most wretched of womankind. In that case she must of necessity sue for a divorce, or make him faithfully promise future obedience and readiness to devote himself wholly to her will and pleasure. If a divorce is denied, she must then pray devoutly to be unburthened of her husband, and that she may soon become a widow. By artifice and manœuvring the spouse may thus be at length induced to say: ‘Do, love, whatever you please, for I am your dutiful slave.’ Bíbí Ján Afróz says, ‘A woman is like a nosegay, always retaining its moisture so as never to wither.’ It is not, therefore, proper that such a lovely object should be refused the comfort and felicity of taking pleasant walks in gardens with her friends, and manifesting her hospitality to her guests; nor is it reasonable that she should be prevented from playing on the dyra, and frequently visiting her acquaintance.

“Should her husband, however, maliciously and vexatiously refuse these rights, she cannot remain longer in his house. An old or ugly woman does not lie under the same obligation; she may submit to any privation without infringing the rules of decorum. The conclave also declare that the husband’s mother, and other relations, are invariably inimical to the wife: it is therefore wájib that she should maintain her authority when thwarted in her views, by at least once a day using her fists, her teeth, and kicking, and pulling their hair, till tears come into their eyes, and fear prevents further interference with her plans. Kulsúm Naneh says that she must continue this indomitable spirit of independence until she has fully established her power, and on all occasions she must ring in her husband’s ears the threat of a divorce. If he still resists, she must redouble all the vexations which she knows from experience irritate his mind, and day and night add to the bitterness and misery of his condition. She must never, whether by day or by night, for a moment relax. For instance, if he condescends to hand her the loaf, she must throw it from her, or at him, with indignation and contempt. She must make his shoe too tight for him, and his pillow a pillow of stone: so that at last he becomes weary of life, and is glad to acknowledge her authority. On the other hand, should these resources fail, the wife may privately convey from her husband’s house everything valuable that she can lay her hands upon, and then go to the Kází, and complain that her husband has beaten her with his shoe, and pretend to shew the bruises on her skin. She must state such facts in favour of her case as she knows cannot be refuted by evidence, and pursue every possible plan to escape from the thraldom she endures. For that purpose, every effort of every description is perfectly justifiable, and according to law.

“And the seven learned expounders of the customs regarding the conduct and demeanour of women in Persia declare, that among the forbidden things is that of allowing their features to be seen by men not wearing turbans, unless indeed they are handsome, and have soft and captivating manners; in that case their veils may be drawn aside without the apprehension of incurring blame, or in any degree exceeding the discretionary power with which they are traditionally invested. But they must scrupulously and religiously abstain from all such liberties with Múllahs and Jews; since, respecting them, the prohibition is imperative. It is not necessary, however, to be very particular in the presence of common people; there is nothing criminal in being seen by singers, musicians, hammám-servants, and such persons as go about the streets to sell their wares and trinkets.” (Atkinson’s Customs and Manners of the Women of Persia, p. 54.)

WOMEN. Arabic nisāʾ (نساء‎).